Biden to use Time Dilation effect to slow down ageing process

Joe Biden has announced that he will conduct his second term as President in a spaceship travelling at the speed of light.

'President Biden will effectively not age', a spokesman said. 'So all those Republicans saying he would be 86 at the end of his Presidential term are spreading fake news'.

The next US Presidential election is a contest to choose the best American out of a population of just 330 million. Some observers have expressed mild surprise that the two best Americans in 2024 are likely to be the same ones who competed in 2020 - Joe Biden and Donald Trump. There are also plans to send Donald Trump into space but that’s just to save on prison bills.

Physicists have pointed out that if President Biden can be accelerated to the speed of light none of his messages will return to Earth, which would be a shame. On the plus side, after four years of travel at light speed President Biden could visit Alpha Centauri.

Genealogists are working on his family tree to see if they can dig up any Alpha Centaurians he could claim as ancestors. It won’t matter much to Biden – he never really knows where he is anyway.

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NewsBiscuit's Grand National form guide

It’s that’s time of year. A long list of hopefuls, mostly no hopers, lining up in a sea of colour and noise in Liverpool. No, not Eurovision, but the Grand National. Here’s newsbiscuit’s guide to the big race.

Hush Stormy Hush - a veteran of the industry and known stayer, but her form is very hard to verify. Allegedly had biggest win of career - $130,000 - in 2016. Supposedly a mount of jockey ‘Tiny’ Trump back in 2006, best known for his garish orange colours, and tendency to hog the far right rail. 69-1

Sturgeon’s Woes - thoroughbred Scottish mare, sired by Krazy Krankie, and long-standing stable mate of Salmond’s Boy. Fiercely independent horse who surprised everyone with retirement earlier this year. Ongoing Stewards Enquiry into supposed nosebag and trough infringements means she is one to avoid this time round 20-1

Graab You By The Lapels - Looking for an opportunity to break a maiden, or anyone who looks at him funny. Has form for going too hard up front and goes completely off the handle at the slightest nudge. Currently looking a little washed out in the face of a potentially career ending Stewards' Enquiry. 10-1.

Total Hunt - housewives favourite, there are sure to be a lot backing this slick stallion. Slipped up in last outing in the Westminster Budget handicap, taking a fall after misjudging a tricky hurdle called the Pension Allowance. Plenty of interest from the Berkshire non-dom set although much more style than substance. 3-1

Charlie Boy - One from the famous Windsor Stables that always seem to win no matter what, out of We Love Lizzy by Racist Ronnie. Some thought he'd never make it to the starting gates, but he has proved a stayer - surely won't fall now? Protruding ears and weight of crown may slow him down however. 3-1.

Rishi’s Millions - part of the classy Murty stable, this diminutive chaser stands at only 10 hands tall but has risen to the top. Raised some eyebrows when details of his total prize money was published earlier this year. 3 million - 1 (before and after tax).

Bojo’s Mojo - missing of late, and increasingly erratic, with distinctive scruffy mane. No real form to note since 2016, and last outing particularly unconvincing, fading quickly under pressure and when asked difficult questions. Knackers yard or third-class stud work awaits. 40-1

Call me Keith - ‘Sir Keir’, as those close to this horse like to call him, keeps promising a big run. Is furlongs ahead in training races but there are still questions over whether he can clear the biggest obstacles or whether he will become a cropper at Corbyn’s Corner again. Likely to be first past the post in 2024. 7-4 favourite

Lineker’s Legacy - made plenty of friends at most recent outing, at the Small Boats Handicap Chase. Initially disqualified for excessive use of the tweet, but reinstated on appeal. Always a crowd favourite and will inevitably feature in highlights show on Sat night. 2-1

Real Pay Cut -a regular runner at courses across the country over the last decade often featuring alongside Teachers Pet, Doctor DoItAll, Carry on Nurse and others. With Summer of Discontent could cause disruption. Has genuine claims and shouldn’t be ignored. 30 (% fall in wages) -1.

Weird Lama - A bit of a dark horse, after his last public appearance back in February, his stable have decided in future events that he'll have to wear a Tongue Strap. 80-1

Biden Your Time - American Anglo Irish bred, has been know to fall a few times, most recently in the Air Force One High Step Stakes, been training in Ireland, getting on a bit now, although connections anticipate he will still be having a go in 2024. 100-1

Hancocks Half-hour - Little-fancied rank outsider, with emphasis on the 'rank'. Unlikely to finish inside of 30 minutes, but will provide some sort of comic interlude. 125 -1

Coffey's Folly - A no-hoper. Expect her to fall at the first water hazard. 200-1

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No, I'm not the Ukraine guy, Varadkar tells Biden

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