Jesus might have used pasta to feed the 5,000, say experts

Biblical scholars have long debated the plausibility of Jesus feeding five thousand followers using only five loaves and two fish.

Jenny MacArthur is a biblical nutritionist. She had a really weird careers teacher. 'Even if those fish were massive it seems unlikely', she told reporters. 'This could be huge! If that story isn't true - what else might be wrong?'

The Vatican is undaunted.

'Jenny MacArthur smells', a spokesman told us. 'Besides, maybe Our Lord used pasta instead of loaves. One packet of pasta generally produces enough to feed a thousand people. We've all done it. You're eating pasta for ages because you misjudged it. Or rice. Nobody has ever attempted five packets of rice but it would probably feed the EU for a week.'

According to St Mark's gospel the leftovers were actually more than the food they started off with, which would suggest rice. The debate will probably rumble on for ages until everybody stops caring, or some doubting Thomas starts questioning the viability of healing leprosy with reiki.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Sky wins Easter Week TV contract

The final few days in the life of Jesus Christ and His resurrection will be shown exclusively on Sky this year, it has been announced.

The broadcaster beat off rival bids from Channel 4 and a consortium of the Catholic Church and Amazon Prime, ending over 2000 years of free-to-air coverage of the showcase religious event.

'After our previous unsuccessful forays into religious programming, this really is our second coming', announced Sky's Head of Programmes, Mike McBride.

'We've revamped the traditional Holy Week format, starting a couple of days ago with a reality show called Set Him Free where viewers got to choose whether to release either Jesus or some common robber.

‘Audiences loved Pontius Pilate as host, with regular cutaways to King Herod for his instant reaction on developments', continued McBride.

The traditional quiet period before the Last Supper on Thursday will be replaced with rolling news coverage, and a range of programming tie-ins.

‘The Road to Calvary’ will revisit key moments in Jesus' life, featuring ‘talking head’ insights from Mary Magdalene, Doubting Thomas, and Stephen Mulhern.

‘The Gospel Truth’ will follow four unknown writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as they struggle and complete their first fictional novel, with Richard Osman narrating.

‘Jesus’s death will become a Sky Box Office event, but we’re moving it 9 pm to avoid a clash with the 3pm St Helens v Wigan Rugby League match', explained McBride.

'We're also revamping the rolling away of the tombstone on Easter Sunday. Joseph of Arimathea will now compete with the best of the rest in a series of events to see who will be crowned Jerusalem's Strongest Man'.

Image: Pixabay/geralt

How the Messiah got his name