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Grateful UK celebrates Extra Long Easter Egg Buying Time



Due to Easter falling quite late this year, UK shoppers have been gifted the privilege of one of the longer Easter tat availability timelines. Based on Easter Eggs being slammed on the shelves at 6:00am Boxing Day, lucky consumers will be able to buy loosely egg-based chocolate treats for a whopping 115 days.


This is exactly what Jesus would have wanted.


Pretty much nearly a third of the year will have designated shopping aisles being filled with overpriced, over packaged confectionary. Thank God for that. Literally.


The most recent longest ever EAT (Egg Availability Timeline) was in 1943 and was deemed by chocolate manufactures (not Lindt) as a turning point in World War 2 leading to the destruction of Nazi ideology forever. With luck, history will repeat itself.



Jesus Returns to Earth for MaccieDs



Chowing down on a Filet-O-Fish and the odd loaf, Jesus today confirmed he had returned to Earth for a MaccieDs.


Commenting on speculation of a permanent return, Jesus denied such drastic action, ‘I’ve got it good in Heaven. Only problem is, God’s so lenient, staff hardly ever show up for work, which is a real pain when you want a takeaway. I’ve tried to talk Him into investing into those self-service stations but he wants to be seen as a people person, so for the moment it’s a no go.’



Second coming imminent says Washington



With the received wisdom in US Bible states being that Jesus will not come on earth a second time until all Palestinians have been driven from the Holy Land, President Trump is said to be racking up the pressure on Arab countries to take in Millions of dispossessed Palestinian refugees.


According to White House watchers, Trump has set up a new company to handle the second coming and has obtained licences for the sale and resale of all Jesus themed memorabilia, with five factories, four in China and one in Vietnam , on standby to produce JC 4Trump T shirts, hats and giant foam hands. According to JD Vance, this gig could be bigger than Taylor Swift.


As yet another thank you. Trump has granted Elon Musk the hot dog and unleavened bread franchise for all events and gatherings.


Trump has ordered staff to have Air force one to be ready and fueled for takeoff as soon as the last Palestinian crosses the Egyptian border and has said he will put the aircraft at Jesus disposal for his entire stay.


A draft itinerary has Jesus arriving in Washington, perhaps staying a couple of nights with Trump and his family, maybe getting in a couple of rounds of Golf and generally chilling after what was in all probability a tiring decent from heaven . Exact arrangements can’t be put into place until White House staffs have has a chance to discuss everything with Jesus and his people.


Whilst the mood in the US is buoyant with church services being held up and down the country, not everyone is entirely happy. Some critics are pointing out that the last time Jesus was on earth, things didn’t exactly go smoothly. Many in the Israeli Cabinet are worried that Jesus might ask to see the books and with numerous cases of fraud being levelled at Netanyahu, things might turn nasty very quickly. Many Jews remember the stories of Jesus physically attacking money lenders in the temple and fear a repetition ,particularly if Jesus has been making his own wine again and has had a few too many. In response, many are saying the temple and money lender stories were purely a sop to keep the masses quiet and point to the fact that the catholic church, one of the richest institutions on earth are big Jesus fans, don’t see a problem and are ready to do a deal with Jesus for his cut.


Everyone has been warned, whatever happens, don’t mention the Crucifixion.


image from pixabay



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