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Relief after 'big beast' metaphor saved from near-extinction



Lazy journalists around the country were breathing a sigh of relief today, after successfully reviving one of their most trusty go-to adjectives to describe aging, but still heavyweight Tory politicians.


Following Tory 'grandee' David Davis's call in Parliament on Wednesday for Boris Johnson to 'In the Name of God, Go', hundreds of sightings of the 'big beast' descriptor have been spotted today, from the broadsheet press and rolling news, to social media entries, and even on leading satirical news sites.


'It really has been a worrying time for lovers of the big beast metaphor', said Mickey Jones, seasoned hack and political writer at the Daily Mouthpiece. 'The House of Commons used to be full to the brim of big beasts, with Michael Heseltine, Geoffrey Howe, Michael Portillo and the like stalking round the chamber, with their distinctive mating calls, scratching their balls, and making their toilet all over the mace.'


'But appearances of big beast MPs have been rare in the last decade or so', continued Jones. 'Apart from the occasional alleged but unconfirmed sighting of Kenneth Clarke's Hush Puppies in the House.'


'A long-term programme by the Telegraph to promote Sunak, Hammond, Hunt and others to big beast status has been unsuccessful', continued Jones 'They're still total lightweights. However, whoever thought of the strategy of using Boris's incompetence as bait to bring the big beasts out of hiding is a genius - we can expect plenty more sightings over the coming days'.



First published 20 Jan 2022


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UK economy distances itself from Rachel Reeves



The UK economy has reacted angrily to claims that it needs to ‘step up’ and ‘get its act together’.


The economy said that it was doing its best in difficult circumstances and that it was unrealistic for the chancellor to expect it to grow, when her actions were making that very hard.


‘I would like to grow,’ said a red-eyed economy, ‘I really would. A growing economy makes everyone happy – more money to spend, higher wages and rising living standards. Who wouldn’t want that?’


The economy sniffed, and blew its nose loudly on a sodden tissue. ‘And now the Chancellor’s gone to China, to woo a different economy. I hate her.  Even more than I hated Jeremy Hunt and Kwasi Kwarteng.


‘Rachel has made things very difficult for me.  She has dumped a big tax hit on businesses, and that will filter through to consumers through higher prices. There’s no plan for growth. Inflation is going back up, and recession and stagflation loom.  Interest rates are up.  Real wages are falling.  Benefits are falling.   It isn’t my fault,’ wailed the economy.


Economists agree that the economy is in a fragile state. They have recommended that the Chancellor and the economy should ‘consciously un-couple’ and spend some time apart.


image from pixabay

Jeremy Hunt really concerned where that £22 billion went

“It was all there where I left it. I even wrote a little note that said, “Here is a lot of money”. It really is terribly worrying that this inexperienced chancellor, whoever his name is, has lost it all. When I left, fully expecting to return after a massive Tory election win, I thought I would carry on with all my good work. There was a total absence of economic black holes at that point, my plan was to lower taxes and give gift vouchers to everyone. Weird.”


He then tutted and shook his head. “I mean to lose all that money in such a short period of time is terrible, I think they may have pulled a full Truss so to speak”, an aide then whispered something in his ear, and he then muttered, “She was on our side?”




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