TV Preview: Clarkson’s Farm Series 16

Jeremy Clarkson knows how to keep his programs on TV. Top Gear ran for years and Clarkson’s Farm looks set to do the same. Who would have thought that the show would get to series sixteen! Obviously the Farm never served him any cold food.

Here’s everything you need to know about new series…

Offshoring – Jeremy looks into re-registering his farm as an offshore trust based in the Netherlands Antilles, for tax reasons. Jeremy takes a trip to meet the locals, who turn out to be mostly lawyers and tax accountants. Happily, one of the islands is Curaçao, famous for its alcoholic drink. Unhappily, Jeremy is off drink for health reasons. But the visit does inspire him to brew his own Diddly Squat Cotswold Curaçao, which he sells in the farm shop at £90 a bottle.

Snailblazing – After trying to farm all the normal animals like cows, sheep, pigs and alpacas, Jeremy decides to take the battle directly to France, and takes up snail farming. He is disappointed to find that everything, including the livestock, moves very slowly. Viewers will enjoy his epic battles with HMRC as he tries and fails to understand the post-Brexit paperwork needed to get his snails to market in France. Viewers will also enjoy his epic battles with the French, who aren’t keen on English molluscs, and set fire to his tractor.

Greening – Jeremy burnishes his green credentials by buying an electric tractor. Caleb is hospitalised after laughing so much that he hurts himself. Jeremy discovers that his cows don’t generate enough ‘raw material’ for his methane plant and the electricity generated is only enough to charge his mobile. Council officers tell him without planning permission the methane plant will have to go. Jeremy attempts to bulldoze it, but the tractor runs out of juice.

Image: WixAI

Clarkson has heart fitted

TV personality, farmer, and spokesman for Wrangler Jeans Jeremy Clarkson revealed today he recently underwent a heart procedure, resulting in him having one fitted.

Speaking at his Oxfordshire farm, the advocate of global warming gave anxious fans an update on his condition, telling them all, "I first noticed something when we filmed with the piglets. The emotion of the situation gave me a numbness in my arm and a hollow feeling in my chest.

'Thinking it might be a brewing coronary, we ended up at hospital and a quick scan showed I actually suffer from stannum homini. I'm just so grateful that an absolute wizard of a cardiologist was there and able to fit me with a heart so I can now do things like walk on my land and enjoy Terms of Endearment.'

At the John Radcliffe hospital, lead specialist Professor Oscar Diggs elaborated on the star's treatment. "Fortunately for Mr Clarkson," he said, "with Oxfordshire being such a Tory stronghold, we are specialists in this ailment and the absence of hearts generally.

'This was stage two stannum homini, where symptoms can include writing for a right-wing newspaper, calling things you don't like 'woke' and believing your ideas are 'just common sense. Thankfully for him, he hadn't hit the later stages, so we have saved him from classic Conservative maladies like running for parliament, becoming prime minister and introducing emergency budgets."

Photo by Natanael Melchor on Unsplash

Dodgy moment during Clarkson heart operation as the surgeon’s hand slipped and Jeremy’s nose lit up.

Jeremy Clarkson was rushed to hospital this week. The journey took longer than usual as the three paramedics insisted on building the ambulance in his kitchen, then travelling via a rope bridge over a swollen river in India.

The procedure took three hours; 30 minutes to fit the stent, and 2 ½ to  actually locate a heart.

The hospital authorities say he is doing well and sitting up in bed, enjoying the hospital food, after punching the nurse that brought it to him.