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Dry January means not washing for a month


Harry Redmond (36) insisted that January would be the smelliest of all months, with not a drop touching lips or any other part of his body. His aim is to detox all the harmful soap particles from his body.


'I just feel healthier wrapped in an extra layer of dirt. And I tend to find I get alot more space to myself, particularly downwind.


'No one speaks about the dangers of bathing in the winter months. 50% of hospital admissions are down to people slipping on the soap.'


Asked he minded the smell, Harry replied: 'Not at all, I'm too drunk to notice.'



photo: https://pixabay.com/users/tookapic-1386459/



‘I can’t seem to see your Christmas puddings.’ Customer beaten to death with pricing gun



Supermarkets have apologised after several members of staff ‘totally lost their shit’ during the festive period. At least a dozen customers were left with life-changing injuries. Police believe staff are being ‘triggered’ by inappropriate comments during busy periods, such as ‘Do you have any of them things… you know, those things. Oh, you know… with the bits in?’


A customer in Durham was beaten with a mop for tapping on the window at 5.30 on Boxing Day morning and mouthing the words ‘are you open?’ to a cleaner. The angry cleaner was shot by armed police, but not before the early bird shopper lost both ears. A disgruntled customer in Newcastle was injured on New Year’s Day for saying ‘You seem to have run out of Easter eggs.’ She died later in hospital.


One supermarket manager said: ‘It’s been a complete bloodbath these past few days. I’ve had to put yellow cones out to stop people slipping on gore and entrails. Health and safety remains our number one priority.’


Police have asked customers to avoid using these key ‘trigger’ comments.


1. ‘Will you be open during the apocalypse?’

2. ‘Do you sell fireworks?’

3. ‘Excuse me, I know you’re balancing a pallet of highly volatile nitro-glycerine and a pyramid of overflowing champagne glasses on your head, but can you point me to the scented candles aisle?’

4. ‘Martin Lewis shall hear of this! I demand an apology, a voucher, and a blow job.’

5. ‘Got any Prime? Me need Prime. Prime good. Me need Prime good.’


The government has called a special meeting of COBRA in response to the attacks. Shelf-replenishers have had their pricing gun licenses revoked, and all staff have been given Valium and Prozac to make them more ‘relatable’ to mouth-breathing customers.

Your January Horoscope, by Toxic Meg




Aries: As Neptune enters your sign from behind, the bloke at work who always smells like Sugar Puffs will offer you one of his home-made tuna & mayo sandwiches. Don’t take it - it’s not mayo.


Taurus: The portents indicate that you are living the dream - but unfortunately, it's the dream where you are running naked across Hampstead Heath pursued by the Quorn hunt wearing Noel Edmunds masks and riding fire-spitting rainbow unicorns. You might want to consider laying off the sauce for a while, or at least take a bit more water with it, sunshine.


Gemini: Tomorrow you will receive your personal unicorn cantering in the sunlit uplands. Jeez, you're gullible.


Cancer: As the moon enters the third quarter, you will discover the inspirational tattoo you had done on your arm in Chinese symbols doesn’t mean what you think it does. It actually means ‘he who bums cats’.


Leo: Neptune in your sign inspires you to open a hipster café, which serves nothing but rice pudding garnished with shavings of bookie’s pencil, served in a flat cap. You pretentious tw@t.


Virgo: You'll find yourself fighting in the Russian army on a desolate battlefield at -20°C, wondering how you got there. Oh, and you'll discover you're not wearing trousers.


Libra: Avoid dogging sites until Uranus has passed through Virgo.


Scorpio: Yes Scorpio, it sucks being a mere arthropod when most of the other signs are glamorous, highly evolved mammals with their arses high in your sky. But the great Babylonian god Marduk was originally considering creating your star sign as a porcine tapeworm, so get over it.


Sagittarius: It becomes apparent to all that your spirit guide resides in a bottle of Jack Daniels.


Capricorn: As Leo enters your house of fools, you will appear on the TV show MasterChef, but unfortunately you will fail to impress the judges with your signature dish. Greg Wallace will describe your ‘Fish finger & brown sauce sandwich, with a Mars Bar for pudding’ as ‘disappointing’.


Aquarius: Mars in your sign warns you not to go to that dentist in the precinct, unless you want to end up looking like you could eat an apple through a tennis racket.


Pisces: The planets have formed a rare alignment… I’m having difficulty interpreting it… Oh, hang on, I can see it now - it’s a cock and balls. Ignore them, they’re just being silly.



Hat tips: FlashArry, Sinnick, sydalg, SteveB, dogular, lockjaw


Image from Pixabay by Darkmoon_Art


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