UK excited to get their own Marine Le Pen in 4 years

For the next UK government, the plan is to be as condesending and smug as they can, while offering bugger-all and enabling the far-right. It is a tricky balancing act between middle management, the Weimar Republic and punching yourself in the face.

This long term goal involves sneering at kindness, talking about 'tough choices' and using war as an aphrodisiac. By that point people will be so desperate that they will vote for anyone, even Hitler McHitlerFace or James Corden.

France has not so much lurched to the right, they have conga-lined towards it. With the neo-liberal consensus being that if you bang the anti-immigrant drum long enough, an actual Fascist will pick up the drum and say 'Oooo nice drum. Mind if I have a go?'. A Shadow Minister denied they would open the door to No.10 for the far-right: 'Why would we, when we've already had a spare set of keys cut for them.'

Departing James Corden is ‘choked’ - but not by enough

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Celeb returns to twitter to see if their flounce worked

On Friday, the star told their 12 million followers: 'That's it, I'm off, I can't stand what Twitter has become.' At 2pm, the same day, they tweeted: 'And another thing, I think those that Tweet are dreadful people.' And again at 7pm: '$8 is outrageous'.

After a weekend of careful reflection, they sent the following: 'Why didn't you all follow me to my new platform? Hello? Is anyone there? Hey, look at this, it's a picture of me with a salad and James Corden.

'PLEASE LIKE.'