Conservative MPs to get special protected status

With the Conservative party looking at an extinction level event in early July, scientists have drawn up plans to save the species from disappearing entirely, although nobody can explain why.

'We are looking at their natural habitat and feeding methods for starters,' said one scientist. 'They appear to be naturally predatory, especially on social media, and hunt in packs,' he added. 'The plan is to round up stray Tories on the 5th July and place them in special enclosures,' he said, noting that Wormwood Scrubs and Strangeways were two such enclosures.

'Other gaols are available,' he added.

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Bank Man not Freed

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UK Government to introduce JailBNB

The measures are a revolutionary new service that will allow the public to become 'Guest Guards' making their home secure and safe to temporarily hold the nation's convicted criminals.

'Obviously, the scheme won't extend to the the prison population's most dangerous felons', said a Ministerial aide, 'but I could certainly see a stalker, an aggravated assault inmate or even a convicted fraudster banged up in a semi in Brentford or Huddersfield. It just makes sense.'

The scheme is looking to be rolled out next year and is already looking extremely popular especially to those with unused bedrooms and the 'empty nesters' whose offspring have flown the coup for University or to live away from the familial home.

'Joan moved to Bath to do her Liberal Arts degree', Mr Richard Holmes of Worthing told us, 'so we've applied to take a low level nonce or a internet harrasser into her room. We've sorted the locks and there's bars on the windows already. It's a welcome income stream as we head towards retirement. Not sure what we'll do at Christmas yet but I'm sure everyone will budge up!"

Mr Holmes told us that his wife, Debbie, was looking forward to being a 'right nasty screw'

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