Prison bosses, still reeling from accusations that they have released a record number of prisoners by mistake, are mistakenly welcoming many of those prisoners back. Upon their release, the habitual cons accidentally commit many of the same crimes that saw them locked up, and are returned to their cells, angry and bewildered at a society that first frees then fails to stop them reoffending.
Termed ‘salmon’ by prison officers, many of the cons claim it is not their fault. In one case, HMP Grendon let out a prisoner early because his surname was Freeman. The man, imprisoned for taking a digger to a hole in the wall cash machine, was found the following day inside the smoking write-off a car he’d ‘accidentally’ driven into a Tesco ATM. ‘It just happened,’ claimed 31 year old, Liberty Freeman.
Elsewhere, a man convicted of perjury mistakenly freed from HMP Wandsworth because bitcoin surpassed the $90,000 mark, was rearrested that afternoon in court telling jurors he was lying to them, would always lie in court, and actually enjoyed lying in court. ‘It was a pure mistake, I didn’t mean it,’ he futilely pled later, no one believing him. Cons being returned to their cells include sex offenders and anyone who tweets the word ‘riot’. One ex-prisoner was rearrested for including the word ‘trio’ in a message to his mum about seeing 3 Christmas trees in one pub. ‘It was an anagram clearly coded to incite violence,’ explained Myne Fewrer, spokesmachine for our Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice.
The government, which has come under praise from supporters for achieving a perfect circle of incompetence, doesn’t know whether its claim that they are making more jail spaces available for future prisoners is reassuring or unnerving. Shabana Mahmood’s office said the government is ‘straining every sinew’ to work on the optics. Meanwhile, Lucy Letby was caught in a Hereford Wetherspoons flicking through an old copy of Neonatal Monthly as the ghost of Peter Sutcliffe roamed Bradford.
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