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GB News Acquired by The Beano


Following the fire-sale purchase of right-wing news organisation InfoWars by satirical site The Onion, financially struggling UK counterpart GB News has announced its acquisition by a similar long-standing publication, The Beano.


'We're delighted to bring GB News under The Beano's masthead,' said Denise Menice, editor-in-chief. 'Thankfully we'll have to make very few alterations, given we've already got Nigel Farage as a perfect Roger the Dodger, telling you how to dodge inheritance tax; Jacob Rees-Mogg was actually the original model for Lord Snooty, so it's really a case of life imitating art; and of course the rest make a great ensemble piece as the numbskulls."


In a Clacton pub, regular viewers were - perhaps shockingly - welcome to the changes. 'So long as they don't take that Michelle Dewberry off the breakfast show,' one supporter remarked, 'she's the only reason I get up in the morning, if you get my drift, fnar fnar!' While another was a little more hesitant, telling us, 'I'm worried about two things: First, the woke agenda sneaking in. None of the kids get whacked with a slipper or a cane any more. I was beaten by my dad and it never did me any harm, if you don't count the PTSD. Second, I hope they don't use all those long words like they do in the comic. I try to read it every week, and have to ask my son for help.'


Cuts to 252 Tory MPs was only austerity Britain needed

Ousting 252 Conservative MPs from their positions was the only economic cut Britain needed to make.


Productivity is up immediately due to layabout Rees-Moggs now being required to 'work' from home. And without Thick Lizzy tapping off from the collective whiskey jar for herself, there are suddenly pretty pennies for every Jenny.


'Funding four Grant Shapps was a major drain to the UK economy,' said Professor Lisa Day from the Institute of Economic Monogamy. 'It seems like such an obvious cut to make now. And parliamentary tractor porn costs are right down. The only sector where I'm still hesitant to be optimistic is the Matt Hancock pub landlord industry. I don't know how it's going to survive without VIP lane assistance from the taxpayer.'


'To boost growth, I would recommend a further reduction of Sunaks. And to properly fund the NHS? A good seeing to of sloppy, wet Hunts.'




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