Post Office admits pre-Horizon system Abacus may have been faulty

While the inquiry into the Horizon IT scandal continues its work, the Post Office has now admitted that the accounting system prior to Horizon may itself have been faulty. Abacus seemed at first glance to be a relatively straightforward rod and bead apparatus, but sub-postmasters have revealed they had their doubts about its accuracy soon after it was installed.

Raj Williams, who ran a small village post office, said problems started almost immediately after he received his Abacus from Post Office Counters. 'It just didn’t add up,' he told us. 'I’d be pushing these beads about for each transaction and at the end of the day what was on the Abacus didn’t match what I had in the till. I rang the Help Desk but they completely ticked me off. Told me to pick it up and put it down again.'

Meanwhile, The Post Office concedes there might have been an issue with sum devices, but insists nobody is making a drama out of it and any compensation due will be tabulated in the usual way.

A spokesperson for Fujitsu commented, 'At least we’re not in the frame for this one.'

Photo by Kati Hoehl on Unsplash

ITV renews Mr Bates vs The Post Office for three new seasons

ITV has announced it has commissioned three new seasons of the hit drama Mr Bates vs The Post Office, confirming that the script will be written as soon as the Post Office commits further miscarriages of justice upon innocent postmasters.

It's thought the titular Mr Bates character, portrayed by Toby Jones in the show, will feature in the new episodes, though the fate of villain Paula Vennells, the criminal mastermind of the first series, and whose sinister catch phrase 'the Horizon system is robust' had the nation on the edge of their seats, is currently unknown.

Since the drama aired, tourists from as far afield as Japan have flocked to Mr Bates' home in the national park of Snowdonia, drawn by the idyllic scenery seen in the drama, with further boosts to the tourist industry in Wales and Surrey. Several beer gardens in which Mr Bates took telephone calls have already received National Trust Heritage status.

A spokesman for ITV said, 'We are delighted to announce further series of one of our most popular dramas. In the absence of any major scandals on the Post Office's part, we will concentrate storylines on smaller controversies such as the rising cost of stamps, damage to Amazon parcels, and envelopes being measured incorrectly, and of course we'll be revisiting fans' favourite heroes and villains.'

'Rest assured, Mr Bates will again be solving post office-based crimes while hiking in areas of natural beauty.'

Photo by Joe Han on Unsplash

Showbiz world stunned as Ant & Dec hand back their latest NTA award

Showbiz has been left reeling following news lovable Geordies Ant and Dec have handed back their 22nd consecutive Best TV Presenter award.

Fans are said to be devastated with hashtag #AntandDecAlwaysWinBestTVPresenterAwardItsTheLaw trending all day on social media sites, while Samaritans report a massive increase in calls to its national helpline.

To add insult to injury, Ant, or it might have been Dec, we’re not sure said: ‘Thawz nie kudos left in it, bonny lad. Even we're embarrassed by having won the bloody thing every year. Well noo, leik, we just cannat be awsed nie maw. And if wor fans durn’t leik it th'ill just have to haddaway an’ shite.’

Catchphrase presenter Stephen Mulhern is understood to have now replaced the boys in the category; not for anything specific. It’s just that he somehow manages to look the dead spit of Ant and Dec rolled into one person. A move NTA big wigs hope might keep the public happy.