POTUS to Pope(US)

Following his statement regarding the death of Pope Francis, Donald Trump has thrown his baseball cap into the ring in an attempt to be elected the new Pope.

'I have plans - great plans – they're the best plans really. I have the best plans. I wanna make Christianity great again' The orange President explained 'Jesus did great but he could've done better. He should've tried harder. I'm gonna do it properly. First of all, Catholics is a huge religion. It's huge – massive. Did you know that? Did you know? I didn't know that. Well I did but I didn't. The Vatican City should be the Vatican State! So my first order of business – and I've already pre-empted my election success and signed the executive order to make it happen – it's gonna happen. Is to make the Vatican City, the Vatican State! Specifically the 52nd State of America, following Canada as 51.

And then I'm going to speak with the Italian Prime Minister Ms Melony – a great lady. Isn't she great? A great leader, and a great fruit. If you eat fruit, which I do not. Unless it's on Pizza. Apparently if you eat too much they can really loosen your bowels – did you know that? Yeah, apparently too much fruit – I don't eat fruit but apparently that's what they say. That's what they say.

So I'll speak to Ms Melons about expanding the Vatican State to include all of Italy. I'm sure we can come to an arrangement – she won't say no – she loves me.'

The President continued for some time, listing how he intends to 'Make Christianity great again' and listing his qualifications for the job of Pope.

'I'm very good at waving to people from the balcony and wearing hats. I also live in a large white building – I'm the most experienced person on the planet for this job. If I were a betting man – which I am, I'd totally bet on myself. Which I have. The whole of the US economy. I also have one up on Jesus because I'm already onto my second coming – I'm totally perfect to be the new boss of all the Catholics! So come on, release your beautiful white plumes of smoke and rejoice! A vote for me is a vote for Donald Jesus Trump!'

Image: GregReese - Pixabay

From NB archives: Ancient Rome

Severe criticism of social services as Romulus and Remus placed in foster care of she-wolf.

Defence Secretary resigns after he admits god of war was named after chocolate bar.

'Momentous historic event' predicted as Caesar spotted calling office of Rubicon Ferry Services.

Remembrance Day for Punic Wars; hundreds of Hannibal's elephants show up.

'That stab vest makes you look fat,' Brutus tells Caesar, as he plots Ides of March hit.

Emperor Tiberius moves to quiet retirement community on Capri that offers 'underage boys and relaxing atmosphere of decadence and depravity.'

Claudius appoints horse to Senate, makes outgoing senator run in Grand National.

Rome burns; Nero fiddles fire insurance claim, and uses the proceeds to open a coffee shop.

Goths invade Roman Empire to seize valuable deposits of black hair dye and blue lipstick.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Italy: what happens in the Ministry should stay in the Ministry