Israel, wake the FFFF up before it's too late

Hezbollah communications reduced to a gossip over the neighbour's fence

Having been seriously embarrassed, not to mention depleted in manpower, by their choices of communication devices, Hezbollah have had to seek out alternative methods of passing information between its members that does not involve technology of any sort.

A senior official disclosed they did explore the use of smoke signals. 'Cultural appropriation? Certainly, but these are desperate times.' However, the idea was shelved following the misinterpretation of smoke plumes from further random explosions as ranting and verbal abuse.

Semaphore was briefly considered but quickly rejected as participants were often flagging too soon.

Finally, the militant organisation found inspiration to solve the problem from an unlikely source. The official told us that classic British TV inspired the idea. 'We love your Les Dawson Show. Cissie and Ada. And suddenly we have a solution. A seemingly innocuous, but comical, chat over the garden fence and information is passed up and down the line of command. What’s your response to that, Mossad?'

Asked about Hezbollah’s new communications network, an Israeli spokesperson, arms folded and speaking in hushed tones, said, 'Well, I heard from her at number 37, you know, the one whose husband had the shish kebabs, that they were opening up a new front. I mean, she’s got some room to talk.'

Picture credit: Wix AI (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)

Pager terrorists to target Teasmades

It is thought that Israel is specifically attacking Hezbollah from the 1980s. One Mossad agent confirmed: 'If we go back in time, we can kill our enemies before they are even born. We got the idea from an episode of Quantum Leap.'

Citizens of Lebanon have been warned that their floppy discs could be poisoned and that their VHS machine could be packed with explosives. A Minister advised: 'Throw away your Sony Walkman. Not because it is dangerous, but because you look stupid. It's 2024, ffs!'

With thousands injured in the attacks, academics in the area are nervously packing away their overhead projectors. Wannabee rappers are discarding their boomboxes. Said one teenager: 'If I knew they were attacking old tech, I'd have never invested in the latest iTypewriter.'

Picture credit: Wix AI