Britain Withdraws From Isle of Wight

Driven out by the Telly Ban, geriatric fundamentalists who 'Don't hold with them funny modern things like leccertricity and other sinister witchcraft', British armed forces were defeated after suffering many years catastrophic losses as servicemen were, for the most part, hideously bored to death.

Just months after the last occupying forces were slowly ferried ashore to the mainland, the Telly Ban swept - well, slowly ambled and shuffled - into power, and before long were filling post office queues (both of them) across the length and breadth of the island.

'We knew they wouldn't last' said one resident. 'They only been here since - when was it Mrs Taylor lost her cat? - can only be a few hundred years ago. Bringing complicated things like clocks, mysterious magic things like wireless sets and dangerous machines like bicycles. And their fancy ways, like educating girls, and boys, and even teaching them to read and write. We'll soon put a stop to all that nonsense.'

Hat-tip ArthurPyke

photo: obsidianphotography @ Pixabay

Isle of Wight closes airspace to Belarus

Following the banning of Belarusian aircraft by the European Union, the Isle of Wight has become the first area in the UK to align with the EU Bloc.

At County Hall in Newport, the department of transportation was unequivocal in its remarks against the country and its recent actions. "We agree with the EU's decision to suspend Belavia from their airspace. As of midnight, we have refused flight corridors across the Isle of Wight to any Belarusian-registered aircraft. We have the Isle of Wight Navy on standby at Cowes and our anti-aircraft defence shield in operation at Shanklin. Well, when I say navy I mean the sea scouts in their dinghies sailing round the harbour. And our defence shield is just big John standing on the beach with a bucket of rocks, but he can throw them really far! Like past the sandbank! It's impressive, honestly!"

In Minsk, news of the ban has not been taken lightly. "We see this move by the Isle of Wight as unacceptable," said a spokesperson for President Lukashenko. "As such, we have imposed sanctions by banning the sale of Isle of Wight Garlic or gifts from the Needles Sand Shop into the country. We shall not be blocked from our aircraft going…oh, it's only 22 miles across? That's ok, we'll just go around it."

Pub landlord admits: 'I'm not much of an interior designer'

Much to the surprise of locals and art historians, Malcolm Broadbridge (of Shanklin's 'Red Lion') has confessed that his eclectic decor was not due to five years studying at La Sorbonne, but was generated by a 'job lot of brick-a-brac' from a car-boot sale. Customers were shocked to discover that Damien Hirst did not have a hand in creating works, such as - 'Industrial farming equipment on rope', 'Brass doodads' or the eponymous 'Grainy photograph of village paedophile'.

The publican further admitted that the authentic charm of his oak-panelled urinal trough and his flock wall-papered tables, were just a cynical marketing device to lure people into purchasing drinks. Any attempt to create an aesthetically pleasing environment was purely coincidental - and very much in 'the beer-goggled eye of the beholder'.

Throughout the decade, aesthetes had flocked to experience Broadbridge's audacious post-modern choices; be it the Tudor beams combined with 1970s' light fittings, the wagon-wheel dartboard or to experience the chef's salad in the 'brutalist style'. Tourists would often make an annual pilgrimage to visit, what museum curators were describing as, the 'eighth wonder of world - just after Ventnor's Crazy Golf'.

Broadbridge's confession may put a hold on his planned retrospective exhibition at the Tate Modern and cause a downturn in numbers for his Thursday Quiz Night. He was philosophical: 'I may have to hand back my Turner Prize, but I just felt guilty, I couldn't keep passing off a pile of shite as art. I don't know how James Corden does it'.