Football club owner suffered ‘suspected poisoning

The soccer world has been rocked by allegations that Reg Tupper, owner of Isle of Wight Top Tiles Premiership team Athletico Cowes may have been poisoned.

An ashen-faced Reg has briefed the world’s sporting press:-

“We were cock-a-hoop on Saturday after we had done the double over our fiercest rivals Sporting Shanklin. Naturally I took the lads out to a slap-up meal afterwards to celebrate. I treated everyone to the very finest from Dave’s Doners van – with all the trimmings of course. We then went to the Cowes Boutique wine bar where I had my usual 11 pints of ‘Olde Bowel Basher’ cider.

However, most unusually I woke up the following morning feeling a bit queasy – know what I mean? I had to warn the missus to give it 10 minutes before using the toilet.

I can only think that someone must have wanted to do me harm, what with me being one of the top Isle Of Wight business men. Only a far-sighted entrepreneur like me would have had the courage to go into the Pic ‘n Mix business after Woolworths folded.

I’ve got a cast iron stomach when it comes to grub and drink. I can only suspect someone somehow managed to doctor my pork scratchings in the bar.”

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/phillipkofler-715497/

Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club bans Russian athletes

The Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club has become the latest organisation to ban Russian teams and athletes, as the world of sport continues to show support towards Ukraine.

Not wanting to be outdone by the likes of FIFA, UEFA and the International Olympic Committee, Fred Wooler, club secretary, treasurer, newsletter author, membership manager and interim tiddlywink polisher, has also told members that Russian teams can no longer take part.

Writing to the club’s 11 members, Mr Wooler notes that “Russian aggressive and nuclear threats leave me no choice but to take this drastic, diplomatic action”.

Speaking to press following the announcement, Mr Wooler admitted Russian had ever actually taken part or attempted to take part in any club events, although he warned that he could not guarantee it had not been infiltrated by Russia spies at the height of the Cold War.

“Old Tommy Masterton was always a bit suspect,” Mr Wooler said. “He only drank half pints and had spent time living in Portsmouth. So, this time around I am not going to be caught out.”

Mr Wooler said he was surprised by the delay in response from the Kremlin, as the club was “the third largest Tiddlywinks club in the Solent area”.

Image: Pixabay/mzmatuszewski0

Isle of Wight man having mildest mid-life crisis on record

Barry Haynes, a 53-year-old tax accountant from Shanklin, Isle of Wight, is currently into the 28th month of the least impressive burst of age-related existential angst ever recorded. This has already cost him so much, that his long-suffering wife Pamela has temporarily delayed plans to replace the cupboards in her kitchen.

‘Once I turned 50, I realised I was running out of time to live out the dreams I had as a young man,’ Haynes said. ‘Unfortunately, as I had always wanted to be an accountant, I never had many dreams to begin with and had forgotten what they were anyway, so it took a year to get going.’

In the month after his 51st birthday, Haynes abruptly traded in his eight-year-old Skoda Fabia, whose clutch would probably have gone within two years, for a more aerodynamic version, after finding a good second hand one on Exchange & Mart.

‘I’ve never been much bothered about cars and there’s no point in having a blood-red Ferrari when you get stuck behind the 80-year-olds pottering about at 25 on the B roads on the way to the Freshwater Onion Festival,’ he explained.

Eyebrows were further raised at the Sandown Bridge Club when Haynes stood for the Liberal Democrats at the county council elections last May: he came in a distant third behind the Tory and Whig candidates.

They might have been even more shocked had they known that he had also Googled Marjorie Walker, his only girlfriend before marrying Pamela at the age of 23, and briefly considered contacting her until seeing that she was happily married to a quantity surveyor and living overseas in Hampshire.

‘I just hope he’s going to get over it soon,’ sighed Pamela. ‘Next thing you know, he’ll be calling in sick at work and vanishing off to Ventnor to watch a cricket match, he’s that wild and capricious at the moment.’

Barry, however, is unrepentant. ‘Pamela has always held me back, that’s why I’m making up for lost time. Well, she can have her bloody kitchen cupboards, that model ship I’m making in the shed only cost £35, for heaven’s sake. And she had better not drag the bondage parties in Cowes every first Wednesday into this because they are nothing to do with it – I’ve been going to them since I was 32.’

Image:Pixabay/Engin_Akyurt

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