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The Isle of Wight Tiddlywinks Club has become the latest organisation to ban Russian teams and athletes, as the world of sport continues to show support towards Ukraine.


Not wanting to be outdone by the likes of FIFA, UEFA and the International Olympic Committee, Fred Wooler, club secretary, treasurer, newsletter author, membership manager and interim tiddlywink polisher, has also told members that Russian teams can no longer take part.


Writing to the club’s 11 members, Mr Wooler notes that “Russian aggressive and nuclear threats leave me no choice but to take this drastic, diplomatic action”.


Speaking to press following the announcement, Mr Wooler admitted Russian had ever actually taken part or attempted to take part in any club events, although he warned that he could not guarantee it had not been infiltrated by Russia spies at the height of the Cold War.


“Old Tommy Masterton was always a bit suspect,” Mr Wooler said. “He only drank half pints and had spent time living in Portsmouth. So, this time around I am not going to be caught out.”


Mr Wooler said he was surprised by the delay in response from the Kremlin, as the club was “the third largest Tiddlywinks club in the Solent area”.



First published 1 Mar 2022



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The Cuprinol-coloured cadaver-in-waiting Donald Trump has announced his intention to take the Isle of Wight for the US.


A spokesman said 'That place looks like it’s been bombed mercilessly for decades. Schools, hospitals, public services – they’re all ruined. Its radicalised population must be resettled throughout neighbouring counties. Hampshire and Dorset need to step up.'


'For starters, we’re changing the name to Isle of White, because… y’know. Wight and White are homophones, but no homo, because… y’know.'


'It could really use a massive gold Trump Casino. Perhaps we could rename the Solent and carve the Donald’s face on the white cliffs.’


Plus they’ve got the Needles, so Don Jr ought to be right at home too.'






President-to-be Trump has hit the headlines yet again regarding his proposals for the US to take over Greenland and the Panama Canal.


However a Newsbiscuit exclusive can reveal that Trump has set his sights much further afield.


It is understood that negotiations are well advanced for the Isle of Wight to become the 51st State. Already plans are being drawn up for the western side to become the world’s largest ICBM base, the eastern side a 18000 hole golf course. Subject of course to planning permission - which is thought to be a formality.


To plug another gap in America’s strategic defences, it is believed that the purchase of the Tiverton Canal is nearly finalised, and a deposit paid. Once Trump is inaugurated the canal will be dismantled and moved to the USA / Mexico border as the ultimate deterrent to stop illegal immigration.




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