We would have insisted on three pin plug for smartphones, says Truss

'Typical EU bureaucracy,' said a spokesperson for the prime Minister, 'insisting on a typical EU common connector for smartphones - the EUSB, probably. Our Brexit dividend means we can be more radical and helpful to UK consumers - everyone has a drawer full of three pin plugs, and we're telling Apple and Samsung to make their phones compatible with them. If they don't, great British manufacturing will take over the smartphone industry - we already lead the market in burner phones, but not sure how they come up with that trade name. Sure, they might be a bit bulkier to accommodate the three pins, but it will show we are different to the EU,' she said today.

www.newsbiscuit.com

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/inspiredimages-57296/

iPhone 14 just an abstract vapour

Apple's new flagship handset will come without a physical sim card, screen or any material properties whatsoever, it can be revealed.

Appearing as a revered mist at the world's first metaphysical launch event, a projection of CEO Tim Cook silently drew a representation of his own wallet with an esoteric air-gesture while the souls of Apple fans spiralled down an invisible vortex into a 40ft glass piggybank.

'The sim card is a lie' echoed a monotone, disembodied voice beamed directly into the minds of the faithful. 'Your contacts are merely distractions from your true and higher purpose: Namely, sending me your bank details'.

The iPhone 14 retails at £749 and is merely the outline of a box containing nothing but a slowly fading whisper of an idea. The iPhone 14 Pro costs more and doesn't come with the box.

image form pixabay

Basic Clocks Startled At Being Forced To Lose An Hour

Inexpensive battery powered clocks all across the land are being startled this morning by being hastily pulled down from their usual vantage point, having their round button which attaches to their delicate hard-working hands wrenched backwards and then being replaced without so much as a dusting or a thank you for your service.

The kitchen clock with a jolly design of vegetables was first to experience this indignity. It hopes the person that twiddled its settings will be inexplicably hungry an hour before dinner this evening. Shiny black and silver sitting room clock which doesn’t even have minute segments was shocked to descend from the usual place and be twisted into the past. It hopes that the sun shines on its glass later, making it unreadable. Spare bedroom clock with the loud tick was the last to be fumbled with. It plans to keep future guests awake with a slightly louder tick than normal until they crack and put it in the wardrobe.

The infrequently worn Casio calculator watch smirking on the sideboard was pleased at having escaped having his buttons mashed and looks forward to causing time based confusion soon. The iPhone which was used as the definitive guide to the correct time enjoyed the tour of the house and congratulated itself on already knowing of the hour to be lived twice.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/

Bilingual' Englishman admits all he can do is translate between English and Northern English	In print now	Prince Redacted has a redacted