The job interview

Government ministers to be fully automated by 2030

We know that much of what they say is already scripted, but by applying cutting edge AI technology the government will ensure no more mistakes of the "I miss-spoke" kind.

Other benefits include increased efficiency, 24/7 operation and reduced reliance on alcohol before appearing on BBC Question Time.

The system will sample speeches and replies from the archive, analyse and filter these and then produce a suitable output. Obviously it will be necessary to ensure nothing ever said by Dominic Raab goes in.

The whole project is being run by an offshoot of the cabinet office, known only by the codeword "project drone".

artwork: https://pixabay.com/users/mohamed_hassan-5229782/

Gold medal-winning UK athlete forgets to cry during BBC interview

Gold medal-winning UK athlete, Gary Stephenson, has angered many TV spectators after forgetting to cry during his post-event interview.

Gary, 28, of Melton Mowbray, ranked world number one in the Omnomnomnom, broke the UK, Commonwealth, Olympic and World Records, scoring 38461.8 points from the judges and in the public telephone vote. He achieved this in only six hours and eight minutes without spilling any of it, beating his nearest rival by a full four furlongs.

Interviewed by chirpy cockney commentator Alec Welsh, he was goaded into talking about his hard life, the loss of his childhood budgie, his fungal nail infection, the perils of lockdown, his ginger hair, and how he funded his own trip to Tokyo by washing cars and acting as a hitman for a wealthy Russian oligarch in the King's Road.

"I was so excited and happy to have won. I just forgot to cry," he told our reporter. "I'd been practising, too, but when the moment came, I just dried up. I even had a tissue soaked in Olbas Oil in my pocket just in case."

"I remembered at the last minute, but it was too late, and they had already cut to the weather forecast," he continued, "I've really let the team down. I don't deserve to have won."

His trainer, Derek Buchanan, told Gary that it was not such a big deal, but he secretly knows that public opinion is much more important than ability and success where funding and the Olympics are concerned.