top of page


The Five Eyes intelligence sharing between the United States, the United Kingdom, Australia, Canada and New Zealand is likely to be reduced due to fears that one of the alliance might not be trustworthy enough.  As a result a breakaway group headed by the UK and including all of the countries in Five eyes bar the one headed by a lunatic will share intelligence between themselves and provide only disinformation to the excluded member. 


A working name for the new group is 'Four Eyes' and it appears Keir Starmer thinks it will be a popular name, especially as he has been known by that moniker since the General Election where he started to sport designer glasses.


The excluded member, which has recently adopted a stance of denying providing necessary intelligence to allies is known to the Four Eyes group as 'Big Nose'.  Keir Starmer has denied that he is involved in a playground spat between Four Eyes and Big Nose.


image from pixabay




Brian Smethurst, from Bognor Regis, who has been watching University Challenge since its first episode in 1962, admitted today he has still to answer even one single question correctly. Yet this hasn't dampened his enthusiasm for the show.


He said: 'I once thought I'd actually cracked in 1981, when I said Caravaggio was an Italian motor scooter... but turned out it was an espresso machine.'


Brian's wife Delia commented: 'Bless him. He loves it and even has a tattoo of original question master, Bamber Gascoigne, on his left buttock. He's vowed to have one of Amol Rajan on the other side should he finally succeed.'


Meanwhile Brian's quest goes on, although Delia isn't holding out much hope for her hapless husband. 'I can't see him ever doing it, because so far he's spent over twenty thousand pounds entering those competitions on ITV and he's yet to get even one of those answers right.'



Following the latest online leak of US intelligence, government officials fear the resultant low national IQ reserves may no longer be sufficient to fend off another Donald Trump election victory.


US intelligence has been slowly evaporating away since the rise of the internet, which gave vast swathes of the population access to a choice between unlimited free knowledge, and thirty second videos of cats wearing cheap costume jewellery and dancing to Taylor Swift.


Speaking at a hastily convened press conference, top Pentagon official Sergei Petrov tried to play down concerns of a secret data free for all, stating quite convincingly, “Zis is nussing to vorry about. Ve haf ezzerysing under kontrol. Prezident Poot… I mean ov course, Prezident Biden, haha, iz getting extra doses ov Omega 3 oil and being kept from vatching Ze Kardashians to ensure his mental faculties are protekted.”


Meanwhile, US allies have been quick to react to the latest online leak by shoring up their own defences against the loss of vital national intelligence.


Story by: greengrocer


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/12019-12019/




GB news is expected to remain off the air for several months.

bottom of page