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Trump announces 'Trump Justice' to replace trial by jury



In a briefing today at the White House, President Donald Trump, announced one of the central planks of new legislation he is to introduce will be “Trump Justice”.


‘Trump Justice will involve a new way of trying cases, rambled the at times completely incoherent president.  'A beautiful new way. The best. Courts and juries will no longer be burdened with having to listen to evidence. That's a bad system. It's the worst. People say that.


'Trump Justice is simple. If a defendant has enough buddies then what they do is flood the court with their buddies. Judges, who incidentally will be renamed Trump Legislators, will simply ask for a guilty or not guilty verdict by a show of hands from everyone in the courtroom.


‘You got enough buddies or you’ve bought off enough attendees, you walk. If you can’t do that, then you’re clearly guilty.'

Trump refuses to accept loss at World Snooker Championships




Snooker player Judd Trump, who was knocked out of the World Championships by Jak Jones in the quarter final, announced today that he refuses to accept this result.


”This is a sad day for snooker,” he told a rally of his crazed supporters, who were chanting “Stop the Steal!” over and over. “The scoring has been politicised. They’re trying to claim he won just because he won more frames than me, which he definitely didn’t.”


He then told his supporters they definitely shouldn’t storm the Crucible Theatre and grab the trophy for him, though visibly winking and holding up crossed fingers as he said it.


However, he may face bigger problems due to the ongoing allegations concerning snooker referee “Stormy” Bozhilova, to whom he is accused of paying hush money after she saw him cheat by moving a ball with his hand.


His case isn’t helped by audio that has emerged of him boasting that “You can do anything you want, stuff the balls in the pockets… they let you do it when you’re famous.”


photo: Photo by Mark Stuckey on Unsplash

Cameron returns from Trump meeting with desire to incite insurrection



A UK Foreign Secretary who was hastily Lorded for services to patriotic investment in Panama has returned from a bender in Mar-a-Lago. Travelling under the pretence of attempting to meddle in Middle East affairs, the real reason for the trip was to consult with an expert in examining the urinary health of Muscovite prostitutes.


Donald Trump, Experienced Bender (of American law) unduly influenced David Cameron with fine wines. Although it was hard to tell from the vacuous slurred speech, so it could just as easily have been fine swine.


As well as solidifying thinking on continuing to assist war-crimey genocidal maniacs on the fringes of Europe, a special extra bonus benefit for the UK was achieved. Sources close to Cameron's piggy banks have confirmed that the former Prime Minister now believes the erection was stolen from him. As a result, Conservative Party sympathisers should muster their artificially induced anger outside Parliament and await the secret signal, codenamed 'Stormy'.




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