Round at the Chancellor's local beanery

UK economy avoids recession due to glossy video.

The Office for National Statistics reported that the UK economy narrowly avoided recession in October and November of 2022 due to the injection of hundreds of millions of pounds from an unnamed source of private capital.

The money went into the video production industry as well as the targeted advertising sector, and it formed an unusually large movement of international funds at the end of the year.

This boost occurred in what was otherwise a period of financial caution, caused by the turmoil of the Truss premiership.

Rishi Sunak was unavailable for comment, although he did release a glossy video.

New lockdown announced to fight inflation

“Inflation is rampaging across Britain, and desperate times call for desperate measures,” Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt told the Commons, wearing a hazmat suit and clutching a pair of manacles.

“We are therefore going lock the country down again, to stop everyone spending their money.

“Anyone caught wandering into a shop or a restaurant will be arrested and will have their all cash confiscated and cards cancelled.

“And don’t try to be clever and order anything online,” Mr Hunt continued, jangling the heavy iron chains on his manacles menacingly.

“Crack squads of civil servants across Britain will be trailing Just Eat cyclists and Hermes drivers and arresting people accepting deliveries at their front doors.”

“I know it seems harsh, depriving you all of your groceries and cheap bottles of tempranillo blanco," said Mr Hunt, trying hard to look regretful.

"However, the government’s chief scientists have told me that if we all make an effort to spend absolutely no money at all for the next few months or years, prices will have nowhere to go but down.

“So remember our catchy new slogan: ‘Stay Home, Stay Hungry, Save the Retail Price Index.’”

Photo by Graham Ruttan on Unsplash