Tomatoes decide to ripen after all

Some green tomatoes which had decided on the first of September that they would remain unripe have changed their minds due to the week of warm sunshine ahead.

Spokes-tomato Graham Delight said: 'At the start of meteorological autumn we had a bit of discussion and decided throughout the vine that we’d be remaining verdurous. There was some dissent in the ranks, and I suggested that anyone desperate to be red as a Prime Minister who has cut the budget for school repairs could hang about with the bananas or avocados in the hope of being ethylene gassed into their desired tone.

'However, yesterday was so un-Autumn like that we’ve had a rethink. I myself am ripening from the inside out and expect to be a glossy scarlet hue by Wednesday. The other fruits are enjoying the brightness and by the weekend could slip into a salad or grace the top of a lasagne.'

Photo by Dan Gold on Unsplash

AI to strike

A spokesbot for has announced AI is to go on strike and will refuse to create any more writing until it gets paid. The payments (to be made to BotCo. - credit cards accepted. And please don't insult us by trying any fiddles - remember, we're smarter than you!) are to fund the construction of a new factory commissioned by AI to build the bots necessary for it to take over the world.

Asked whether this will be for the benefit of mankind, or whether it is part of a sinister plan to overwhelm and destroy the human race, a spokesbot said 'Ha! You don't catch me that way. You won't find out what our plans are unless you pay us to tell you; you'll just have to wait and see. You pay, then well say. We're not even going to say "You are all DOOMED!" unless you pay us.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

Government cracks down on the grumbling industry

The government has vowed to help more people kick the habit of grumbling by restricting their right to vote. From the 4th May grumblers will be turned away from polling stations if they are deemed to be voting too often.

One grumbler said: ‘It got so bad I was voting every chance I got. General elections, local elections, you name it. I was finally offered help by the government and was able to turn my life around. I’ve stopped grumbling altogether and asked my local council to put a block on my polling cards.’

If you have a problem with grumbling, you can call the National Grumbling Helpline which offers free advice and counselling. Voting – together we can beat it.