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Lilo enthusiast deported under new 'small boat' law



Selsey lilo enthusiast Dave Hexham has been deported to Rwanda as part of the Government crackdown on small boat asylum seekers.


Mr. Hexham, out for his usual Saturday morning paddle, was approached by members of the Border Protection Force as he tried to land. When quizzed, he was unable to produce any identity documents and was promptly detained for processing under the new legislation.


His wife commented 'Bloody idiot! I always said that his stupid lilo obsession would get him in trouble. Now I suppose I shall have to drive up to Rowehander to pick him up from the Detention Centre - isn't that near Swindon?'


When informed that he was actually in Rwanda, Mrs. Hexham vocalised a small 'whoop' and fist-bumped the air. 'Pillock! Serves him right'


When asked about the incident, a spokesman for the Border Protection Force said 'Alas, the so-called Mr. Hexham, without any means of identification, falls directly into the category of undesirables this legislation was designed to catch, and we had no choice but to act. The fact that he repeatedly called us "jumped-up bellends", "pocket-Hitlers", and "fascist jobsworths" has in no way prejudiced his treatment'


'Now, if you can excuse me, I am off to "console" a Mrs. Hexham whose husband has apparently "gone missing" '



First published 6 Mar 2023



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Noncrime, nonbenefit, nonimmigrant home found in Luton turns out to be a hoax



News of the possible abode emerged earlier in the week when a visitor reported walking the entirety of a Luton street without feeling under threat. He then posted details of the locale onto the SafefromthemUK.com website, which alerts Britons to places they needn’t cower in, and, in an emotional TikTok, wept about how he finally felt ‘part of the community of Britons again.’


But that wasn’t the end of the story. An eagle eyed Lutonite who fled the town decades ago confirmed that the supposed street the man was claiming to be part of Luton was in fact a model railway siding got up to resemble Browforth Street, L3. ‘The real Browforth street,’ the man confirmed, ‘is caked in dog shit. This place was far too pristine to ever be in Luton.’


When contacted about his emotional and geographical dishonesty, the TikToker would only say, ‘I won’t say whether the Luton street was real sized or miniature, but I will say that what I posted REFLECTS MY LIVED EXPERIENCED.’ He specifically asked for the last four words of that sentence to be quoted in caps. When the man talked about ‘his real lived experience’ your reporter recoiled and withdrew from confronting him further.


Luton has been in the reporting doldrums recently following decades of it being touted as the single most desirable place to reside in Europe. A succession of scandals involving resident despair and chronic architectural ugliness have left its once proud homeowners considering all measures, including moving to Slough. Once again, a succession of scandals involving resident despair and chronic architectural ugliness have left its once proud homeowners considering all measures, including moving to Slough.



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