5 Modern Pentathlon events for the 21st century

With the news that showjumping is to be removed as an event from the Modern Pentathlon, is it time for a total overhaul of the event to bring it up to date? Pierre de Courbotin designed the modern Pentathlon at the Olympics to represent all the skills needed by a soldier caught behind enemy lines. But what are the skills required of a modern day citizen to survive life in the 21st century? Here are Newsbiscuit's five suggested new events:

-Virgin Media cancellation call : the modern Pentathlon begins with athletes having to call up and try and cancel their current broadband and TV subscription package. With a 30 minute time limit, participants must navigate the automated response system, before beginning verbal combat with up to 15 members of the accounts team. Who can persuade a member of the call centre team that 'I want to cancel my package' doesn't mean that you would like to upgrade to the premium sports offering? Will you ever really know channels are in the 'Maxit' TV package?

-Social media Likeathon: next up is a multiple social media format event, in which you must collect 1000 likes, hearts or thumbs up emojis for statements that you make on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Will you go for some basic virtue signalling expressing your abhorrence at the lack of commitments by big business towards climate change, alongside a picture of your newly installed heatpump? Or will you just share a picture of some cute cats playing on a piano, to a soundtrack of Chopsticks?

-Ikea Saturday afternoon sprint/scrum: athletes are given a list of items that they must collect in order from any local Ikea store, between the hours of 2 and 5pm on a Saturday. Items may include some tea-lights, a shoe storage rack, some random food containers that you'll never use, and a massive rug that would look nice in the living room wouldn't it but I'm not sure it goes with the dark wood bookshelves what do you think, maybe we should leave it and look in CarpetRight? Penalty points are awarded for every person you bang into even if they really shouldn't be blocking the thoroughfare opening and closing that Pax wardrobe door incessantly. And no, you can't go in reverse back through the store, if you forget something, you're disqualified, everyone knows that.

-Dishwasher stack: athletes must fill a standard size dishwasher after the cooking and consumption of home made shepherds pie for 6 people. Widely seen as the ultimate test of stamina, spatial awareness, and basic cleaning skills, will you do a pre-clean of the Pyrex dish? Cutlery facing upwards or downwards? Does the chopping board go in? With a two hour time limit and points awarded for shine, smell, and that squeaky noise you can make pulling your index finger down a clean plate, will you opt for an eco-wash or a quick wash at the temperature of molten lava?

-Aldi Bag Pack: nearing exhaustion, athletes must face a gruelling 5 minute, 'big shop' pack at the budget supermarket. Here athletes have to try and place their produce in bags for life (one for fruit and veg, one for chilled, and one for frozen) without any spillages, crushes or logjams in the packing area, as the till assistant scans and fires them down towards you at the speed of light without ever looking you in the eye. Spectators are encouraged to tut and 'helpfully' point out that you should just move over to the separate packing area, that's what its for, you idiot.

Image: Pixabay/icondigital

Get more NewsBiscuit humour on Amazon

Intruder captured at Windsor Castle on Christmas Day has sack of toys confiscated	Available now	Blanket confusion over blanket ban on blankets

Couple totally persuadable by Ikea product names

A Retford couple have totally bought into the optimism, vitality and practicality suggested by Ikea product names at their local store, it was revealed today. Kevin Anderson and his wife made unanticipated purchases totalling £845.46, alongside the modest BESTÅ drawer unit they originally went to buy. The purchases were made after the couple re-imagined the possibilities of their life in the light of a provocatively aspirational store display of functional, upwardly-mobile Swedish-detective living, despite this being ultimately elusive in suburban Nottinghamshire.

‘This SENSUELL frying pan – probably great for frying meatballs really lightly, something we tend to do every week, don’t we?’ noted Anderson to his wife as they wandered round the store in an increasingly unfocused and persuadable mood. ‘Oh, pick up 10 more of those KOMPLEMENT kitchen organisers – they’ll go with every aspect of the décor we have, or maybe none of it, who cares.’

Ikea’s product names have a complex geneology, created by dyslexic founder Ingvar Kamprad, who wanted to avoid a labelling system which relied on numbers. This is the reason why Kamprad uses Swedish place names, occupations, precious stones and other categories to name goods. That, plus he saw an opportunity to exploit the fact that customers will automatically assume that tea-tree lights are really, really good if they are called GLIMMA.

Ikea executives are thought to be working on a new UK product range which will extol more directly the positive virtues of the Swedish economy compared to life here. The Lottsbreak coffee maker will seek to conjure up the beneficial work-life balance achieved in Sweden, Balaancebuks office organisers will hint at the lack of a structural deficit in the Swedish economy and the Cheepacaare cot will spontaneously trigger images of extensive state support for nursery costs, funded through the tax system.

‘Look at how those Swedish book titles and simply styled children’s toys fit snugly under that STORÅ bed frame. Coincidentally, the name almost suggests as much,' noted Anderson, towards the end of their 5 hour visit. ‘Just one item left to locate. Where can I find a TOWTAAL BJELLEND?’

Image: Pixabay/icondigital

Man celebrates after beating 'going the wrong way through Ikea' world record

A Daventry man was celebrating today after beating the world record time for going from an Ikea checkout all the way back to the entrance area.

Pete McBride, 44, achieved a new world best mark of 2 hours 22 minutes for the 'going against the traffic' feat, after fighting his way through heavy crowds and trolleys heading fatally towards him in his local Ikea, as well as blatantly ignoring the one-way arrows painted all over the floor.

The record was all the more impressive, as the record was achieved at peak time on a Saturday afternoon when the store was rammed, compared to previous best times which have all taken place at 'altitude' conditions of 9am on a Monday morning when stores are nearly empty.

'I didn't go with the intention of breaking the record', admitted McBride. 'I'd just gone in with my son to pick up a few essential Lacks and Billys for him to take to University.'

'But then we got to the checkout and I realised we'd forgotten a few odd sized and quirkily-named airtight containers back near the start of the store. My son offered to go back, but he's got his whole future ahead of him. I know it should be me. I had my trainers on, so I did a few stretches, took some deep breaths and gave it a go'.

'Things started off ok. It was busy, for sure, with plenty of dawdlers, and the usual hazards of people staring at Pax units, ludicrously imagining some kind of brighter, clutter-free idyll', continued McBride. 'By the time I got that overpowering reverse-waft of meatballs at the cafe at the half-way point, I knew the record was on.'

'I did have a close shave when I collided with someone manically opening and closing the drawers of a Hemnes cabinet. I'm sure those guys are planted there in every store', continued McBride. 'I also had to use one of the pretend toilets in their mocked up apartments back near the start too. There were no bog rolls unfortunately so I had to use one of those little pieces of paper that you write the warehouse locations of your items on. I had to tell a family to give it 15 minutes before they went back in there.'

After beating the record, McBride and his son were able to do a lap of honour of the store - in the right direction, of course - and they celebrated by picking up a few packs of tea-lights and some light bulbs that they weren't sure would fit into any lamps that they owned.

McBride now has his sights set on achieving the elusive Triple Crown of 'reverse' retail store feats, never held simultaneously by the same person. Alongside the 'going the wrong way through Ikea' record, this includes the 'Slowest full-trolley Aldi checkout' (currently 2 minutes 25 seconds) and the 'Longest time after entering Oak Furnitureland before you get approached for a sale' (currently 0.02 seconds).