Ahmed (26) came to Britain on a small boat, tempted by promises of “luxury accommodation, mobile phones and money raining from the sky”. ‘We’re all avid readers of the Daily Mail’, he told reporters. ‘Peter Hitchens and Sarah Vine are my favourite writers. Such humanity. The headline which prompted me to risk my life was “Starmer to tuck all migrants up in bed”. I didn’t have a great relationship with my father and the idea of a country where the Prime Minister travels around tucking up migrants just seemed like paradise. I also fancied living in a place with more than three male forenames – it’s really confusing in a Muslim country. I’m not even the only Ahmed in my sibling group’.
Lawyers for the migrants point out that most would not have attempted the hazardous crossing without the strong incentives provided by the Mail. Their arguments have been countered by the Mail’s lawyers, who noted that the newspaper’s mission is ‘to paint a dystopian picture of modern Britain in the hope that we can one day return to mid-June 1951, when everything was perfect’.
'You can see how the confusion occurred', a lawyer told us. 'Fortunately, there's no law against lying'.
The case is scheduled to start as soon as enough taxpayers’ money has been handed to lefty lawyers.
