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Car mechanic given award says 'Won’t be this week'


A car mechanic, told he’d been nominated for an Outstanding Customer Service award by members of the public, sucked air through his teeth, shook his head and said, 'Won’t be this week.' 


“We’re totally chocka,” said Dave Gravel of Won’t-Be-This-Week Auto Repairs, Under The Arches, Woolwich, before calling through to the workshop. 'Steve, you done that Audi yet?' When Steve replied that he had not, in fact, done that Audi yet, Gravel added, 'You're lookin’ at week o’ the 17th, earliest. Oh ‘ang on, thassa bank ‘oliday, innit…'


When a mutually convenient time was finally agreed and Gravel was given the award, he examined it from every angle, sucked air through his teeth, shook his head and said, 'Oo done this then?


'Bleedin’ deaftrap this is. Dunno ‘ow they sleep nights.  Reckon they get a rake off from the undertaker.'


Gravel went on to say he could 'sort it' for them for five hundred squid. 'Or five faazend, if iss an insurance job.


'But it won’t be this week.'



Image credit: Stable diffusion

Best of Newsbiscuit – April 2024


April 2024


The blue team continued to struggle on in government as speculation about (and betting on) the date of the election continued. Looking back, with 20:20 hindsight, the general view was that the Tories were toast. Burnt toast. This didn’t stop them from taking a hard line on benefits and woke, snowflake, working from home.


Scotland had political problems of its own as the SNP and Green Party ‘consciously uncoupled’, bringing down another SNP leader.


In overseas news, shiny faced David Cameron was inexplicably being Foreign Secretary, and Venice was implementing a tourist tax, as it felt that pizza and ice-cream sellers were getting too much of the action. And the Republicans continued to make things tough for ‘Sleepy Joe’.


Here is a selection of the top stories that month, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines. Recycling is good, right?


UK Politics


US Politics


Overseas News


Other nonsense


Selected headlines from April 2024


Sunak's master plan to win election is to defect to Labour

Struggling acetone manufacturer insolvent

Ofsted's unwillingness to end one word assessments judged - Appalling

Civil servants picket their own gardens in working from home dispute

Humza Yousaf leaves his greens

Grimsby becomes the first city to pay tourists £5 a day to visit

Man who botched making a cup of tea gets a re-straining order

Producers of King Arthur epic say it's not set in stone

Humza, You's Off

Sick notes only to be given out by coroners, says Sunak

Rishi Soon-out

Man who 'lit up every room' buried with his favourite torch

April Fools joke both funny and well executed



Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

King aghast at Harry’s charity problems


King Charles is reported to be horrified at Harry’s disastrous problems with the Sentabale charity.


Sources report him as saying, ‘This is pretty basic stuff.   Charity work is the third most important thing about being royal.  And he’s making a pig’s ear of it.


‘The first and second most important things about being royal are, number one, smiling.   Closely followed by number two, waving.  Mind you, that lad was only ever adequate at smiling and only satisfactory at waving.


‘He has probably exhausted himself with that smiling and waving, and that’s probably why he’s made such a mess of the charity work.  And it’s with a charity that is closely associated with his mother, for goodness’ sake. That boy is such an idiot.  And I don’t suppose that She Who Must Not Be Named has done anything to help Harry either.  Heavens above.  What a shit show.  Is that the expression?  Not something Mummy ever used to say.


‘And don’t tell anyone I said that.’



Image credit: Wix AI

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