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An eminent mathematician writes, "We all remember Bertrand Russell trying to prove an entire logical system of mathematics from first principles in his Principia Mathematica. And then of course Kurt Gödel came along with his Incompleteness Theorems and said, 'That's nearly all bollocks, Bert'. But no-one, until the present Tory party, has ever invented from scratch a whole new method of arithmetic with no founding principles at all.
"Traditionally, arithmetic requires that a solution proved true today must also hold true tomorrow. Otherwise it's clearly not true. So, 'two plus two equals four' has to be valid on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Bank Holiday Mondays. But what if it weren't? What if the answer to 'two plus two' could be whatever you want on any day you choose? This is the important breakthrough in public financing of major infrastructure projects in the UK.
"Take, for example, the deceptively simple space-time inequality formula HS2 = 2 x Hinckley.C
The two variables are both continuously variable, independently. And although they appear linked by the 'equals' sign, that is a special Governmental operator which means, in layman's terms, 'they're both incredible value for money regardless of how much money is applied or how much of the project is completed'.
"HS2 is one of the most important concepts in modern Government mathematics, like zero or infinity. This is because it has no fixed value whatsoever. And the use of hexadecimal fractions in Hinckley.C, .D, .E etc acts as what we call a 'containment number' to shield the population from undesirable, and potentially dangerous, understanding.
"If asked to summarise the result of this breakthrough in number theory, and its application to the real world, I'd have to rely on the old dictum, 'The first 90% of any project accounts for the first 90% of the expense, and the remaining 10% of the project accounts for the next 90% of the expense."Â
After cancelling the northern leg of the HS2 project, Rishi Sunak has just announced plans for an entirely new rail network that features a direct line to Rwanda. The plans released outline how the money saved on HS2 can fund this cross-continental, six thousand mile long railway. A spokesperson for the Prime Minister provided further information to the press:
‘We know there has been upset over the decision to not extend our previous rail project to the far north of England, but we hope this super-fast link to the close reaches of Central Africa will more than make up for it. We’re absolutely delighted with this announcement as we’ve seen demand for a viable transport option to Rwanda increase astronomically in the last few months. We can’t wait for people to be able to hop on a quick train there from London Waterloo, whether as a legal requirement or just for a nice holiday.’
Rail analysts quickly brought to light a glaring omission in the plans released earlier in the week - the infrastructure for a return journey back to the UK. Clive, a trainspotter from Dudley, was one of the first to spot this, and spoke about the revelation on a recent chat-show appearance:
‘I was staring at the plans on my iPad and thought to myself, sounds like a nice trip - but how on earth would me and the Mrs - should I ever meet a woman - get back? I couldn’t possibly think why they would want people to go to Rwanda and not return to the UK. It’s a massive oversight that makes me think HS3 might be the worst of the trilogy so far.’
10 Downing Street confirmed that the completion of HS3 is planned to be in conjunction with the 2050 Winter Olympics hosted by Rwanda.
Hat tip: Sinnick
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