Immigration bill to be smuggled into House of Lords

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Peerages to be sold as timeshares

Following revelations that a peerage can cost as much as £100k in donations to the Conservative Party, senior Conservatives have proposed a timeshare system to democratise the institution.

'Most ordinary families can barely afford to heat their stables', a spokesman told us. '100k is quite a lot of spare cash to find. So we came up with the idea of revitalising the timeshare concept'.

Timeshare Lords – not to be confused with Time Lords – will be entitled to call themselves "Lord" or "Lady" for one month of the year. Months when the Lords are sitting will be more expensive as Lords will be able to claim expenses of £323 per day plus a first class rail ticket to London.

If the scheme goes well there are plans to let Ticketmaster create a secondary market in peerages for key debates and Christmas shopping trips, and possibly a corporate entertainment option.

Moscow-based spiv ‘Vlad P’ has expressed an interest in swapping ‘a number’ of peerages for missile defence systems, bullets and first aid kits, though he has made it clear that none of his MPs are up for sale.

Labour to replace Lords with eerie black monolith

Rather than abolish the House of Lords, Labour have decided to reform it using extraterrestrial technology and some deus ex machina. The humming stone will advise the UK on the next steps in evolution and, unlike the Lords we currently have, will take up substantially less space.

The proposal explained, 'Ape-like voters will be able to touch the stone and civilization will move forward - like a reverse Brexit.

'Given the cost of marble, the monolith was not our first option. Initially we looked at replacing the 800 Lords with just one really big Lord. We also explored appointing a bag containing 800 ferrets, but the ferrets proved far too sensible. Instead, we settled on a mystical stone - which has the added benefits of being able to sit through long debates without nodding off, it can help MPs develop rudimentary tools and the humming helps improve Westminster's WiFi signal.'

Labour denied the idea came from one of the Milliband brothers.

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