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Following on from the furore surrounding Chancellor Rishi Sunak's wife's non-dom tax avoidance status, The Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has told a newspaper that he's been a paid practitioner of a deviant sexual practice involving bondage and flagellation, colloquially referred to as submission/domination, or, sub/dom for short, without declaring his earnings to the Inland Revenue.
Speaking in The Sunday Times, Mogg, a devout Catholic, admitted: 'I've been involved in the sub/dom world pretty much since I left Eton forty or so years back.
'I think it's a public school thing, to be honest.
'We used to flog the younger boys regularly, and, on occasion, would get them to return the favour.
'I opened a sub/dom bawdy house in St James's after leaving school and ran the entire show for thirty years at a handsome profit without paying a penny in income tax.
'I now fully intend to recompense the exchequer for the full amount and shall be asking my mistress in Pimlico to flog me to the bone by way of penance.'
Rees-Mogg was reprimanded by the Government Chief Whip in nineteen ninety-seven for asking a female House of Commons staff member to beat him bloody with a barbed scourge in the ladies' toilets.
Scene: an exclusive gentleman's club. Two dapper chaps are sharing a bottle of fine whiskey.
A: You've been looking into the allegations for some time, I take it?
B: Indeed. Shocking business. But it is no more than one would a expect from such a person.
A: It will end in disgrace, no doubt?
B: Indeed. But I fear it will be like water off a duck's back for him.
A: Yes. However, I have a little ruse that may have an impact.
B: Do tell.
A: Well. You know he has always hankered after a peerage?
B: Unlikely now, one would have thought.
A: Yes, but certain people would like to emphasise by giving a knighthood to a total loser.
B: You don't mean ...
A: Yes, yes. Gavin Williamson!!
B: Brilliant.
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