MPs to be required to ‘sign in’ once a fortnight like dole claimants

Empty benches in the House of Commons and a new game called ‘Where’s Boris?’ have led to calls for MPs to be required to prove that they are ‘available for government’ every two weeks.

'I know it’s a shitshow', said a spokesman 'and you might think we’re better off without people like Boris Johnson and Liz Truss, but they’re being paid 84 grand just to turn up and snooze. It’s only 30 weeks a year for Christ’s sake, even schoolkids have to put in more time'.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was unavailable for comment - which is odd, considering his obsession with getting civil servants back to the office.

Westminster staff have defended the move, pointing out that ‘in a little over a year quite a few current MPs will find themselves actually unemployed. They should treat this as a dummy run, given that many of them are literally unemployable’.

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House of Commons foodbank running low on Cognac

The number of MPs turning to foodbanks for help is on the rise again. Volunteers in the House of Commons say it has been their busiest month yet, with peers and MPs queuing around the block to stock up on the basics such as foie gras and a rather indifferent but otherwise passable Sauvignon Blanc.

One user who was too embarrassed to give his name, said: ‘Since I got back from the Caribbean, I’m down to my last bottle of Cognac. I’ve had to tell the children we can’t afford hand-crafted wallpaper this Christmas. They were in floods of tears. How have we come to this as a nation?’

Film director Ken Loach has spent several weeks in parliament filming ‘I, Fat Bastard’, a hard-hitting exposé of the hardships faced by MPs who have slipped through the net.

‘It’s truly Kafkaesque,’ said Loach. ‘Imagine the indignity of having to submit receipt after receipt just to claim back your hotel expenses. They’re at boiling point. It’s going to kick off around here, I can tell you!’

Dominic Raab has denied beating volunteers with a stick while shouting ‘Piñata! Piñata!’

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Politicians to go on pay strike

The biggest trade union for politicians, the NBMU (National Bullshit Merchants Union), has announced that a ballot of its members has called for strike action over pay, claiming that many of them need second and third jobs, some as far away from home as the Caribbean, the Cayman Islands and Belize to make ends meet.

Purdey Shotte-Gunne, a shop steward for the NBMU, told Newsbiscuit that his colleagues frequently worked well into the night, propping up the Commons bars, where he said, the main business of parliament was conducted.

“People don’t realise how important the bars and restaurants are to running the country. Forget all the boring stuff that goes on in the Chamber which gets watched on the Parliament channel. That never changed a parliamentarian’s opinion. A knee in the bollocks after ten pints of Olde and Filthye does that.”

He went on to say that many times he’s longed to leave early enough to enjoy a horse meat lasagne with his children, like normal people do, but when there’s a late night sitting to vote on cutting Universal Credit, he has to make do with foie gras and prime rib in the Commons canteen. “It’s the little things like this that not only make the job a misery and why the subsidised restaurants are no compensation at all.”

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