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Bojo the not clown sure can pick 'em.
Newly appointed head of communications at Number 10, Guto Harri, has had an epic first day on the job. Not quite up to GB News standards of continued employment, makes Harri the undisputed first choice for saying things right at the highest seat of power.
Grabbing prime real estate headline space across medialand for all of the wrong reasons, immediately solidifies him as exactly the sort of chap Boris Johnson needs to ensure the Great nation of Britain continues to be utterly embarrassed in the cringeworthy manner to which it has become accustomed.
Such instant classics to gain the seal of approval from the Downing Street Collective Lobotomy Trust include:
'The Prime Minister isn't a complete clown. He didn't party every night. And he definitely didn't break all of his own lockdown rules. Indeed, not every party he illegally attended is being investigated by the Met.
'During the period of the pandemic, Boris Johnson didn't put absolutely everyone in harm's way. Repeatedly. Quite a few people in care homes actually survived.
'Despite what some are saying, Boris hasn't mislead the House of Commons on every single occasion. He only illegally prorogued Parliament a bit. And he almost actually got some of Brexit done.
'He is not the sort of person to create the perfect conditions allowing his closest chums, donors and enemies of the state to cream billions out of the taxpayer purse. And anyone who points out that serious fraud has been rampant on his watch, very much needs to take a good look at a thesaurus of synonyms for rampant.'
Lazy journalists around the country were breathing a sigh of relief today, after successfully reviving one of their most trusty go-to adjectives to describe aging, but still heavyweight Tory politicians.
Following Tory 'grandee' David Davis's call in Parliament on Wednesday for Boris Johnson to 'In the Name of God, Go', hundreds of sightings of the 'big beast' descriptor have been spotted today, from the broadsheet press and rolling news, to social media entries, and even on leading satirical news sites.
'It really has been a worrying time for lovers of the big beast metaphor', said Mickey Jones, seasoned hack and political writer at the Daily Mouthpiece. 'The House of Commons used to be full to the brim of big beasts, with Michael Heseltine, Geoffrey Howe, Michael Portillo and the like stalking round the chamber, with their distinctive mating calls, scratching their balls, and making their toilet all over the mace.'
'But appearances of big beast MPs have been rare in the last decade or so', continued Jones. 'Apart from the occasional alleged but unconfirmed sighting of Kenneth Clarke's Hush Puppies in the House.'
'A long-term programme by the Telegraph to promote Sunak, Hammond, Hunt and others to big beast status has been unsuccessful', continued Jones 'They're still total lightweights. However, whoever thought of the strategy of using Boris's incompetence as bait to bring the big beasts out of hiding is a genius - we can expect plenty more sightings over the coming days'.
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