Your January Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: As Neptune enters your sign from behind, the bloke at work who always smells like Sugar Puffs will offer you one of his home-made tuna & mayo sandwiches. Don’t take it - it’s not mayo.

Taurus: The portents indicate that you are living the dream - but unfortunately, it's the dream where you are running naked across Hampstead Heath pursued by the Quorn hunt wearing Noel Edmunds masks and riding fire-spitting rainbow unicorns. You might want to consider laying off the sauce for a while, or at least take a bit more water with it, sunshine.

Gemini: Tomorrow you will receive your personal unicorn cantering in the sunlit uplands. Jeez, you're gullible.

Cancer: As the moon enters the third quarter, you will discover the inspirational tattoo you had done on your arm in Chinese symbols doesn’t mean what you think it does. It actually means ‘he who bums cats’.

Leo: Neptune in your sign inspires you to open a hipster café, which serves nothing but rice pudding garnished with shavings of bookie’s pencil, served in a flat cap. You pretentious tw@t.

Virgo: You'll find yourself fighting in the Russian army on a desolate battlefield at -20°C, wondering how you got there. Oh, and you'll discover you're not wearing trousers.

Libra: Avoid dogging sites until Uranus has passed through Virgo.

Scorpio: Yes Scorpio, it sucks being a mere arthropod when most of the other signs are glamorous, highly evolved mammals with their arses high in your sky. But the great Babylonian god Marduk was originally considering creating your star sign as a porcine tapeworm, so get over it.

Sagittarius: It becomes apparent to all that your spirit guide resides in a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Capricorn: As Leo enters your house of fools, you will appear on the TV show MasterChef, but unfortunately you will fail to impress the judges with your signature dish. Greg Wallace will describe your ‘Fish finger & brown sauce sandwich, with a Mars Bar for pudding’ as ‘disappointing’.

Aquarius: Mars in your sign warns you not to go to that dentist in the precinct, unless you want to end up looking like you could eat an apple through a tennis racket.

Pisces: The planets have formed a rare alignment… I’m having difficulty interpreting it… Oh, hang on, I can see it now - it’s a cock and balls. Ignore them, they’re just being silly.

Hat tips: FlashArry, Sinnick, sydalg, SteveB, dogular, lockjaw

Image from Pixabay by Darkmoon_Art

https://pixabay.com/illustrations/star-card-the-main-star-3591581/

Now, horoscopes for kids!

Your December Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: Your dreams of romance will suffer a setback, when a judge issues you with a restraining order which prevents you from going with 200 metres of TV weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker. Don’t be too disheartened - at least you’ll still have the 24 hour live streamed footage from the webcam you bribed his cleaning lady to put in his bathroom.

Taurus: In the coming weeks, you will encounter six geese a-laying, and ten lords doing despicable things.

Gemini: Mars is now in retrograde for the next three months. Geminis can expect clouded thinking and a drop in sex drive. But hey, you've always been a thick minger. So no change there then.

Cancer: A visit to the salon to have your bikini area waxed will go wrong, leaving you with pubes in the shape of Jesus’ face. You’ll have to wait for it to grow back before you have sex again, otherwise it would probably be blasphemy, and God would punish you.

Leo: No, I'm not going to validate your personal worldview today. Get a life.

Virgo: You will find fame at last, when your name gets plastered across the front page of all the tabloids following a coke fuelled 3-in-a-bed sex romp with two TV personalities. You might think this sounds exciting, but wait until you find out the celebrities involved are Sooty and Basil Brush... You literally will shag anything, won’t you?

Libra: Your lucky number is 6¾, and your lucky colour is mango. Do with that information what you will.

Scorpio: You will get the scoop of the century when you see a video of Liz Truss fellating a donkey on Pornhub. But you won't be able to cash in on it because you can't tell anyone you watch Pornhub.

Sagittarius: As the moon shines on Uranus, you will have a rectal exam which doesn’t go to plan. You’ve heard that phrase about the sh*t hitting the fan, right..?

Capricorn: As Mercury does a back flip in your sign, expect good news regarding a recent health worry, as a doctor will diagnose the new mole on your arse as a squashed Coco Pop.

Aquarius: Tall, dark and handsome is in short supply, so you will have to make do with short, swarthy and dull. Mind you, you're no oil painting yourself: best not to dwell on what the children might look like.

Pisces: This month you will be visited by a mysterious old, bearded man that will climb down your chimney in the dead of night. But beware…if it’s not Father Xmas, it's probably a paedo. Call 999.

Hat tips to: SteveB, lockjaw, Sinnick, sydalg, FlashArry, clare

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Image: arc-fotos | Pixabay