Your (most of) May Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: Mars in your house of education inspires you to learn some new skills. Within a few weeks you’ll be able to add knitting, pottery, archery and speaking French to the long list of things you’re sh!t at.

Taurus: If you follow the much more accurate and logical Mayan calendar, then you already ceased to exist in 2012.

Gemini: Saturn enters your house of secrets this month, bringing an interesting piece of information your way which could be to your advantage. By the way – did you know there is a little-known loophole in the Sunday trading laws, which means you can help yourself to whatever you like from any shop in the UK on a Sunday, and they can’t force you to pay for it? Try it, and you’ll find out it’s absolutely true. Knowledge is power!

Cancer: Jupiter is in your house of fun this month, so why not amuse yourself by telling a complete load of b*ll*cks to the next gullible tw@t you meet, and see if they believe you? I just did it to Gemini, and they fell for it hook, line and sinker. LOL!

Leo: After a highly successful night out, you will wake up to find you don't recognise your spouse, the cat is now a dog, the layout of the house has been reversed and someone with questionable taste has redecorated every room overnight. Is this the work of demonic forces attempting to unbalance your mind? Or have you again let yourself in next door with the emergency key? Either way, there's a lot of explaining to do when the police arrive - and you still can’t find your pants.

Virgo: Your love life suffers a setback this month, when a romantic evening ends awkwardly in the bedroom after your date tells you your sex face makes you look like Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Libra: You're excited to be chosen as a guinea pig for the new industrial-strength Viagra. It's so successful that you spend the rest of the day shopping for a larger hat to hold over your crotch. Pretty impressive, given that you only got the placebo.

Scorpio: As Mercury turns direct, you will receive an important message. It’s a letter from Odour Eaters thanking you for your enquiry, and informing you that unfortunately their product range does not currently include a full bodysuit. They suggest you might try using soap and water once in a while.

Sagittarius: YOU WILL DIE THIS MONTH!! That got your attention, didn't it? No, but seriously, it's next month really.

Capricorn: Your ambition to become an actor will finally be fulfilled when you land a role in a local theatre production of ‘The Vagina Monologues’. You’ll play the vagina.

Aquarius: Make sure you read the instructions thoroughly before assembling that gas barbecue.

Pisces: Your horoscope for this month is in the form of multiple choice. You will either:

a) Win the lottery

b) Find true love

c) Win a Nobel prize

or

d) Your life will carry on being boring and meaningless.

Hint: the answer is definitely d.

Hat tips go to: SteveB – Taurus; FlashArry – Leo; sydalg - Libra;Sinnick – Sagittarius; lockjaw – Aquarius

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/gdj-1086657/

Your April Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: This month’s full moon will compel you to climb on top of your neighbour’s shed, take all your clothes off, and adopt a cruciform pose. Just like you did last month.

Taurus: Your dreams of romance will suffer a setback when you receive a ‘cease and desist’ letter from lawyers representing Huw Edwards, ordering you to stop sending him your soiled underwear in the post. You will feel heartbroken, until a few days later when your romantic hopes are revived as you spot one of your lacy pink g-strings sticking out of Huw’s pocket as he presents the 10 O’Clock News.

Gemini: While imbibing the blood of a virgin, you will be distracted by the thought, 'Did I leave the gas on back at the crypt?'

Cancer: Saturn in your 4th house indicates there is cat sick in your future.

Leo: Once in every generation there is a rare and magical alignment of the planets, which results in the birth of a remarkable and talented human being who is a special gift to mankind. No, I’m not talking about you – you were a mistake that happened when your parents got p!ssed on Blue Nun at a swingers party.

Virgo: No way. How many men & women have you said that to?

Libra: The planets have an important message for you: ‘apply to the affected area 3 times a day, until the rash disappears’. No, hang on - that’s my prescription…

Scorpio: You wonder how my predictions have been so frighteningly accurate and personal - do I truly have the gift, or is it because I am stalking you? Leave them all, come with me before the voices in my head turn against you. An unexpected journey is on the cards - one way or another.

Sagittarius: As Mercury turns his back on you, you will buy a loaf of bread and discover that all the slices have the face of Jesus on them. Your local newspaper will run a story about it which goes viral, but you will be ridiculed when tests show the face depicted in the bread is actually that of Russell Brand.

Capricorn: It’s not your fault, Capricorn – how were you supposed to know that public toilet had been converted into a newsagent’s? At least the pile of newspapers in the corner helped to soak some of it up.

Aquarius: You have a big choice to make this week. It may comfort you to know that whatever you opt for will be wrong.

Pisces: As Jupiter enters your sign sideways, the finger of fate will point at you. That’s not good news – you’ll be in a police line-up when it happens.

H/Ts: SteveB, Sinnick, FlashArry, Lockjaw

Image: geralt | Pixabay

Your February Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: Mars in your 7th house indicates you will give a presentation at work which will go well. Unfortunately, you’ll realise later that you had a pube stuck between your front teeth the whole time.

Taurus: Your natural fear of water parks prevents you from being near dolphins. But when a mysterious stranger offers you one round the back of Wetherspoons in Guildford tomorrow, be cautious and check the blowhole for lost nipple clamps.

Gemini: Jupiter indicates the path to your future will be covered in dog sh*t.

Cancer: You will finally discover who has been stealing underwear from your washing line when you see your next-door neighbour through their bedroom window, wearing your matching bra and pants. You will decide not to confront them about it, because you’ll be embarrassed by the fact that he looks much better in them than you did.

Leo: Armageddon starts next month, creating a brilliant buyers’ market. So until then, go light on cyclic industrials, get rid of small caps, hold on to your blue chips and remember: “Cash is king!”

Virgo: Saturn in your house of cards urges you to go outside and reconnect with nature. Go to a local park and become one with the trees. If a dog p*sses up your leg, you’ll know you’re doing it right.

Libra: Probably best to pick your most attainable item from your Bucket List. Hint: don't make it a parachute jump.

Scorpio: You will try out a Mary Berry recipe for fairy cakes, but you’ll realise you’ve gone wrong somewhere when you end up cooking crystal meth instead. It’s not Mary’s fault, she does say it’s important to follow the recipe exactly. Dodgy Dave down the pub reckons crystal meth is even more addictive than Mary’s fairy cakes, so he’ll help you to shift it if you cut him in on the deal.

Sagittarius: Neptune in your sign inspires you to copy Taylor Swift’s hairstyle. Unfortunately, it won’t make you look like Taylor Swift - but you’ll be a dead ringer for Jimmy Saville.

Capricorn: Good news! You will legally avoid having to pay any tax, child maintenance or train fares throughout 2023. However, the slight downside is that Earth will be obliterated by an asteroid next week. Swings & roundabouts, swings & roundabouts.

Aquarius: Venus told me to tell you the bloke who works in Wetherspoons fancies you. You know the really good looking one? Well, it’s not him – it’s the short, fat, bald one with the glass eye and a limp.

Pisces: Statistically speaking, you could die today - so why are you reading this tripe? Go out and live what remains of your life as if this is your last day. We can do looking sheepish tomorrow when you are in front of the magistrate.

Hat tips go to:

SteveB – Taurus

dogular - Leo

lockjaw – Libra

Sinnick – Capricorn

FlashArry – Pisces

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: Quique | Pixabay