Your Horoscopes for May, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Aries: you're under the Ram. Would it be indelicate to ask why?

Taurus

I'm sorry, but none of the members of the Celestial Zodiac are prepared to make a prediction for you. Get back to your tarot cards, you traitor!

Gemini

I'd take the blue pill if I was you. You won't like what you find out if you take the red one ... unless you like long leather coats.

Cancer

As Mars passes through Virgo, things will never be the same at the snooker.

Leo

Never mind. At least you're not Liz Truss! Oh you are. Errm …

Virgo

Love is in the air - they are throwing used condoms off the top of the tower block again. Some sort of waterproof hat is essential, and try not to look up with your mouth open.

Libra

There will be no forecast for you this month. Animal activists freed my "entrail providers" before I got to consulting for you.

Scorpio

You're going to get stuck in a lift this month, probably with a Barbary Ape. Be prepared.

Sagittarius

As film of you dancing naked in Brighton's Pride March racks up four million views, you might want to consider a slightly less 'potent' medication for your hay-fever. Nice moves though.

Capricorn

The Heavens declare that you may run, but you c'aint hide.

Aquarius

After years of toiling in obscurity, your efforts are finally recognised - but you knew the CCTV in the park would eventually catch you out. Literally.

Pisces

Due to a cataclysmic shakeup of the Western literary canon, your latest series of emails to the Sales Department will win you the Nobel Prize. You'd better learn Swedish fast.

Contributions from:

Scorpio - simonjjames,

Aries - Sinnick,

Cancer - SteveB

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aquarius -FlashArry

Pisces - sydalg

Image: Maklay62 - Pixabay

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Your horoscope for April, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

In love, fortune favours the brave, but there is a thin line between heroism and abject stupidity that you may have crossed a couple of minutes ago. Sorry, dropped the ball on that one, but the burns should heal nicely without too much scarring.

Taurus

It's not every day that a new sexual disease is named after the principle vector. Congrats!

Gemini

The phrase "having your head screwed on properly" will be particularly apt for you today. Apt, but tragic.

Cancer

You are plagued with mysterious stiffness and body odour. But then all is revealed: you were pronounced dead a week ago. Your GP hasn't been telling you everything.

Leo

Sure, trampolining looks like a lot of fun but have you checked the ceiling for giant spikes? No. No, you haven't.

Virgo

The unexpected death of a loved one will come as a surprise and a shock to you, leaving you to ponder the eternal verities and whether a hidden tripwire/grenade snare is somewhat excessive as a cat deterrent.

Libra

You are going to pull this weekend. Sadly, it will be a stomach muscle from heaving up a meal of bad oysters.

Scorpio

Your colour is aquamarine, your gemstone is ruby, and you need to have a long hard look at yourself.

Sagittarius

"There are known knowns. There are also unknown unknowns". Your fate is in the second category. Sorry about that.

Capricorn

An appalling tragedy leads to popularisation of the phrase 'two ends of the same goat'.

Aquarius

I'm sorry, but none of the members of the Celestial Zodiac are prepared to make a prediction for you. Get back to your tarot cards, you traitor!

Pisces

The supermoon on the 30th could have a major impact on your...oh wait, that was last month. Sorry, I accidentally shifted my Mystic Powers setting to “hindsight".

Hat Tips to:

Flasharry, SteveB, simonjjames, sydalg,

Image: geralt - Pixabay

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Your month's horoscope by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Leo is in your house - according to his ankle tracker

Taurus

Mathematicians spell this star sign as 'torus', which means that you are a doughnut. Yes, in so many ways, you are a doughnut. Maybe you should stop eating so many doughnuts. If you are American, you should stop eating donuts as well.

Gemini

The moon will have a significant effect on you this moooooooo ahhoooooooollll

Cancer

The fish slice is in the blue coolbag, along with Aunt Nollie's spare teeth, half a jar of marmite and a red rubber pterydactyl. This is what happens when you let four-year-olds pack a picnic.

Leo

5,610,833 people will have exactly the same experiences as you this month

Virgo

The mighty firmament doesn't have time for your pettyfogging life this month.

Libra

Your late Auntie Mary wants to contact you through the medium of, er, medium

Scorpio

Avoid junction 9 on the M40, it's absolute rubbish right now.

Sagittarius

Due to a careless mistranslation into Mandarin, your tweet about your cat's indigestion will cause riots in Beijing.

Capricorn

You can go to space if you want to but have you been to you yet?

Aquarius

Seeing your wife's moon in ascendance tomorrow morning gives you a new lease of life and you decide to cancel filing those divorce papers.

Pisces

The Moon and Uranus exert an influence on you this month. In that you will be flashing your backside to a coach full of rival football fans.

Hat tips to:

Deskpilot

FlashArry

JoBo

Simonjjames

Sinnick

SteveB

Sydalg

Throngsman

Image:Sarah_Loetscher - Pixabay

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