Horoscopes for October, 2024, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Last month I wrote that you would be working from home in the future. My apologies. That should have read living in a home. I hope that is working out alright for you.

Taurus

Mathematicians spell this star sign as 'torus', which means that you are a doughnut. Yes, in so many ways, you are a doughnut. Maybe you should stop eating so many doughnuts. If you are American, you should stop eating donuts as well.

Gemini

In a world of round holes, you are a square peg. Perhaps you should consider some sort of prosthesis, or undergo reconstructive surgery ?

Cancer

Does haircut, chocolate and heavy machinery have any resonance with you?

Leo

Rumours of the Chuckle Brothers getting back together suggest that the rumour mills you subscribe to are faulty.

Virgo

A former colleague will contact you this week. The evidence has been found, and it proves you were right all along.

Libra

You will begin a new diet regime shortly. I understand it is known as 'Nil by Mouth’.

Scorpio

You will go on a long trip this month. May I suggest that you delay visiting the Grand Canyon till later in the year?

Sagittarius

You will get the 'hair dryer treatment' some time this month. Unfortunately, you will be standing behind an Easyjet plane at the time.

Capricorn

One day they'll make a movie about your life. You'd better get cracking if you want to make it interesting.

Aquarius

You will run into some money this month. Or rather an armoured truck will run into you.

Pisces

You will fall off your bike in front of a taxi. That delays the journey to the airport for the passenger who is a top-level virologist. The plane they intended to travel on is shot down. The scientist arrives at a high-level conference to deliver a groundbreaking speech that initiates a whole new approach to disease treatment. After ten years, the world is almost entirely free of disease. No-one will know it was down to your one small action. Therefore, let me extend my heartiest thanks on behalf of the planet. Good show, old bean.

Contributors:

@eskpilot3: Taurus

FlashArry: Gemini

SteveB: Virgo

Horoscopes for September 2024, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Your sign says you are free-spirited, demonstrative. passionate and challenging of societal norms. The police call your behaviour 'riot and affray'.

Guess which definition the Courts will side with.

Taurus

The Portents Board has censored this month's forecast

Gemini

Get an earlier bus to work, and start using mouthwash. You'll thank me for it eventually.

Cancer

You'll have a sudden urge for a banana. Resistance will be futile because the spread of Monkeypox is inevitable.

Leo

I'm stepping away from the chart now. I don't want any trouble.

Virgo

Do NOT go to that ouija board party. Seriously, DO NOT GO.

Libra

You must stop doing that or you will disrupt the Space/Time conduffrrrdeepzzhaaaaa./////////

Scorpio

In a world of round holes, you are a square peg. Perhaps you should consider some sort of prosthesis, or undergo reconstructive surgery ?

Sagittarius

You have a tendency to use your horoscope as a mental and spiritual crutch against the vagaries of life. Whilst this can be seen as a bad thing in most cases, in yours it seems barely adequate given the trials and tribulations you will face in the next four weeks. You might want to try upgrading that crutch for one of those mobility obesecycles, or, failing that, a mortuary gurney.

Capricorn

One word sums up your life this month: WHOOPS!

Aquarius

For brief moment you could have caught the eye of your one true love, but you missed it reading this horoscope. What can I say? Life can be a sod sometimes

Pisces

Rumours of the Chuckle Brothers getting back together suggest that the rumour mills you subscribe to are faulty.

Contributions from:

FlashArry : Aries, Scorpio, Sagittarius

SteveB : Cancer, Pisces

Your August Horoscope, by Hermes Trismegistus

Aries

Aries, Mars has just entered you. Dirty sod!

Taurus

Pluto will be in the third house on Sunday. He'll scoff the neighbour's roast, resulting in a certain froideur between your households for the next few weeks.

Gemini

Your chart shows you to be venal, self-serving and self-obsessed, with little consideration, compassion or empathy for your fellow man. Whilst this would mark your card for most jobs, have you tried contacting the Conservative Party and asking about their 'Fast Track for Future Leaders' scheme ?

Cancer

With Orion cusping in your quadrant - and boy, can that constellation cusp - you may be more prone to accidents over the next week. You will be thankful for that kevlar beanie and underpants set we suggested you buy last month. You didn't ? Ooops !

Leo

If I were you, I'd skip straight to September

Virgo

You will be presented with the chance to win a fortune playing baccarat, having an affair with a glamour model, and take a trip into space. However, you won’t take it. Just stick with the same old, same old.

Libra

You will move out of your current address and take up residence in a Salvador Dalí painting. Your food will turn into bird skeletons and your clocks will melt like toffee. You will think you can escape, but you can't - this isn't "I'm a Celebrity".

Scorpio

This evening, you will be stung several times by a rather angry scorpion, and die a slow and excruciatingly painful death

Sagittarius

This afternoon, you will be killed by an arrow shot by a half-horse, half-man who happens to be naked. Ha, beat that, Scorpio!

Capricorn

While impaling slugs with a trident, the love of your life also invents aerated footwear and you immediately begin a life of palatial luxury together in a mansion called Skechers de la Mouche. But your children turn out ugly as f&*k.

Aquarius

If you see a black cat climbing a ladder, start running

Pisces

Apparently, you need to avoid Marmite this month. It’s not clear why.

Contributors

Sinnick: Aries, Leo

simonjjames: Scorpio and Sagittarius

FlashArry: Gemini, Cancer

sydalg: Libra

Image: Lockjaw

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