Tug of war over Dorries & Sharma

Following the Commons' win over the House of Lords in the tug of war for Nadine Dorries and Alok Sharma, all the major bookmakers are now taking bets on similar contests taking place for control of the Tory party.

Our parliamentary sports correspondent reports that it's going to be a difficult one to call as so many Tories are fat bastards and it's likely to depend on which teams have to pick lightweights like Rishi Sunak and Jacob Rees Mogg.

An aide said 'Some of them find it as humiliating as they were last to be picked, for teams at school. They are so vain, they imagine they'll be among the first to get picked, or their friends will feel duty bound to pick them, forgetting that membership of the Tory party eliminates them from having real friends.'

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Officials troubled by Liz Truss honours list proposals

Officials dealing with Boris Johnson’s honours list proposals say that worse is to come as Liz Truss’s proposals are even more challenging. An insider provided us with the following extract from her suggestions, which have been annotated with notes by an unnamed official:

My Honours List, by Liz, age 47 and 3/4

BEM for the Chairman of the British Cheese Council, because I Love Cheese!

OBE for Instagram. I just love Instagram. Are they British?

OBEs for my schools, Parkcrest Elementary, BC, Canada and Roundhay, Leeds

OBE for Tigger, my role model

OBE for Truss Island in the River Thames. I’ve never been, but it sounds nice

OBE for the Oxford University Lib Dem Society – they made me what I am today

- I don’t think the XPM understands that you can’t give OBEs to things. I’ll speak.

Ten OBEs awarded to people called Truss by lottery.

- There is already a process for randomly distributing honours – it’s called the Honours Committee

CBE for The Rt Hon Mark Field. I can’t say why.

- Well, this beats Boris trying to ennoble his Dad

Companion of Honour for my husband, as it’s an honour for him to be my companion

Royal Victorian Order – Jacob Rees Mogg – seems appropriate

Privy Council – Peter Bottomley. Because that would be quite funny. Privy – Bottom. Geddit?

- Groan

George Cross for me, as I was very brave and heroic when I was PM

- The committee may take a different view.

And also -

A statue of me in Eltham South (subject to donor funding), commemorating my election as a councillor

- I expect that we will have to give Eltham South extra money to keep the statue clean and egg free. I don't suppose that the donors will want to pay for that.

A metro mayor for Narnia – Mr Tumnus, perhaps?

- First Tigger and now Mr Tumnus. Awards for fictional characters will be a first, but could turn out to be popular

Kwasi Kwarteng – freedom of the city of Mariupol or any of the places featured in the Crap Towns book

Henry, please can you circulate the original email for comments. I’d like to know how many of my colleagues are reckless enough to support any of this nonsense. Q

H/T Sully

Image: lourdesnique | Pixabay

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Who's an ennobled boy then, as Boris honours his dog

A row is brewing following reports that in his resignation honours nominations, Boris Johnson, has nominated his dog Dilyn for the post of Most Munificent and Mighty Pet Tsar.

The appointment is being seen as all the more odd because no such position currently exists. Nevertheless, sources close to the blundering buffoon say the pooch's name is definitely on the list.

One commented: 'Boris is rather fond of the little chap and feels the golden kennel and diamond-encrusted collar he's demanding accompany the title, will be a well-deserved reward for being a dog. As a matter of fact, Boris has further requested the world's largest diamond, The Koh-i-Noor, be removed from the crown jewels and given pride of place in the collar.'

The source clarified that on the leaked honours list, where it says "Patrick Stanley Johnson" at the top, it should of course, have read "Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson". 'We all know Boris doesn't do detail, hence the Northern Ireland Protocol, Brexit in general and his list of children in Wikipedia.'

When asked if perhaps Mr. Johnson might be showing signs of advanced megalomania, the source replied. 'No not at all. If this kind of thing was good enough for Caligula, then why not for World King Boris?'

Image: BananaStock Photos | FreeImages

H/T: throngsman

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