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Man hails "liberation" of becoming homeless



On the very day that Trump's tariffs come into effect, an Ohio man has hailed the "liberation" he feels in being made homeless.


"When I think how much I used to fret about the stack of unpaid bills on the kitchen table, whether to pay the power company to keep the lights on or my landlord so he wouldn't evict me," said Frank Ptarmigan, formerly of Main Street, Ohio. "It's such a relief not to have to worry about that any more, since I don't have a table. Or a kitchen.


"Oh, and Mastercard, that twenty grand you're always up my ass about? Good luck getting that back! Please address your letters to 'no fixed abode'.


"Sure, it means I'll have to rely on charities and soup kitchens to feed me from now on. Which means they'll be the ones struggling as the price of eggs and other essentials goes through the roof! Losers!"

Ptarmigan made it clear that his situation wasn’t caused by Trump's tariffs, though he said he was pleased to have bagged a dry spot underneath a bridge, since there'd probably be a lot of competition for it soon.



‘London style buses’ to end rural homelessness



The government has promised that all areas of the country will have ‘London style buses’ and has committed funding to support this.


Regional bus nuts are beside themselves.   ‘We welcome London style buses,’ said a spokesman, ‘but we hope this is not about insisting that all buses are red.’  He resisted the temptation to say that the new plan was ‘just the ticket’.  ‘We must preserve diversity in regional bus colours.   And we don’t want those Boris buses.  The association is still too painful.’


Homelessness campaigners are looking forward to a comprehensive and countrywide night bus service.  This is because the cost of a ‘day-rider’ bus ticket is considerably cheaper than providing a hostel place. Night buses provide homeless people with a great alternative to sleeping in shop doorways, bushes or skips.  The buses are warm, fairly quiet (after closing time), and comfortable, although there is a continuing and unresolved issue about toileting facilities.


‘Londoners have it so easy,’ said Jim, a jobbing philosopher who sell his services door to door and who celebrates periods of rough sleeping.   ‘There are night buses all through the night. The routes are long and windy and the buses are very slow.  You can get on at the start of the route and its two or three hours until you get chucked off.  And you can usually get on another bus and keep going.  Three bus rides and you’ve had a very solid night’s sleep.  When are these new London style buses starting?   I bet it’s not for ages.’


image from pixabay


Homeless veterans to dress as tanks to attract funding


As arms spending sky rockets - literally with sky rockets - the UK's homeless have tried to capitalize on this by sleeping inside cannons, in the hope of being mistaken for a threadbare missile. Only by getting some of that sweet, sweet military appropriation, can they get their very own silo, with top of the range camouflage and space for a loft extension.



Said one activist: 'For a fraction of the defense budget, we could end homelessness and still have enough change leftover to buy Belguim. For £2bn we could give everyone a home and still keep the option open to bomb them later, if we change our minds.



'Not only does the MoD have vast amounts of land and wealth, it has stockpiles of decommissioned vehicles that could be converted into bullet proof homes, all pre-painted - if you happen to like battle ship grey. All the homeless need to do is pretend to be soldiers, which is ironic given that most of them were.'


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