Ukraine visas: successful entrants also awarded a degree

It has emerged that the application process for a UK visa for people fleeing the Russian armed forces is more stringent and demanding than some university assignments.

As a result anybody who makes it to the UK will receive an honours degree in Administrative Affairs from John Moores University and a KitKat. On the negative side, they will have to go to Liverpool to collect their diploma. Unsuccessful applicants will still receive the KitKat, proving that Her Majesty’s Government isn’t as tight-fisted as Yvette Cooper has been claiming.

“Let nobody call this government heartless” Priti Patel is alleged to have said, according to sources who watched her calmly observing some captive mice vainly trying to flee her extended claws. “Not only will successful applicants be able to reside here until most of the bombing has stopped, but the Darwinian nature of the process will yield a race of superior administrators. And also some dead people, obvs”.

In other news, Churchill’s grave continues to emit a mysterious whirring sound

Image: Pixabay/mamir_k94

‘No room for you but your cats and dogs would be welcome’ Johnson tells refugees

Boris Johnson has told Ukranian refugees that, unfortunately there is no room for them here in the UK but their cats and dogs would be most welcome to come and stay.

The PM is alleged to have said that we are a nation of animal lovers and their pets would be loved and well looked after. And of course, they don’t need a visa or a sponsor. The animals could be vetted and processed within hours of arriving here in the UK and would find a new home within days.

A private charter flight is taxiing on the tarmac at Heathrow Airport waiting for the go-ahead from the main decision maker in No10. Boris Johnson is thought to have had some input behind the animal-rescue idea too.

‘Ukranian cats and dogs will no longer have to cower in underground car parks or run for their lives from Russian snipers. They will be safe here in the UK’ , the PM is thought to have said. 'There is no need for the Ukrainian people to thank us for our generosity….it is the least we can do.

'We are world-beaters at housing animals from war torn countries. No other country has done as much as the UK to help Ukranian animals flee the war. Ukrainians can sleep peacefully in their beds knowing their pets will be safe from Russian bombs here in the UK. For now at least.

'One day we might even be able to take in some actual pet owners. But you know how it is.

Paperwork, background checks, visa applications, processing etc…..

We would love to help Ukranian people find safety but as you can see, it’s just not that simple’.

Image: Pixabay/blende12

Thermos of tea and an understanding nod not enough for ungrateful Ukrainians

Priti Patel reacted angrily last night after accusations that Britain was not doing enough to help Ukrainian refugees.

‘Honestly, just because their entire country is being razed to the ground by a malignant, remorseless psychopath doesn’t mean they have the right to live a dignified life in a civilised country, or even Britain’

‘We’re doing everything within our power to help these people’, she explained, seemingly without irony, ‘we’ve already sent them six remaindered Millets sleeping bags plus the left over profiteroles from our last Downing Street work meeting, but still they want more.

I even offered some of them the chance for a photo-op with me in my Home Secretary puffa jacket when I was over there but for some reason they were more interested in finding food and shelter for their children and elderly relatives, the ungrateful bastards.

Listen, as the daughter of immigrants I understand entirely the position they are in. Which is why I think the only humane thing to do is let them freeze to death on the steps of a British consulate in the arse end of Poland.’

Despite this many Ukrainians are still planning to make the move to the UK. Asked why she was so keen, Julia, a refugee from Kharkiv explained ‘For me, Britain is the land of opportunity. If Gavin Williamson can earn himself a knighthood surely anyone can make it there.’

Image: Unsplash/Mitchell Orr