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Tone Police to get extra funding

The Home Office confirmed: 'They do vital work, policing Twitter, ensuring everyone is polite, rather than correct. The last thing we want is an informed and uncivil public, imagine the unrest. We need hushed tones, a reverential attitude and absolutely no one with an opinion.'


Unlike other branches of the police force, the Tone Police has increased in numbers, flooded with liberal volunteers all over social media. Successful prosecutions have risen 300% this year, given that there is no need for evidence or due process, you just need a sense of righteous superiority.'


This follows extra funds directed to the Neighbourhood Tw$t scheme. 'Britain's streets will not be safer but everyone will wear the right tie. And no more complaints about the Met Police, please, not unless they are delicately phrased - you don't want a visit from the Grammar Police as well.'




Home Office buys marquees for impromptu wine and cheese party




Suella Braverman - a one woman rebuke to the concept of the cream rising to the top and someone who regards breaking the Ministerial Code six times before breakfast as ‘a slow day’ - has bought some marquees, to put some asylum seekers in. What could possibly go wrong?


In a mix up, the planned hostile environment will be a bit more village fete as the marquees play host to a large wine and cheese party. There will be cake, vol-au-vents and those miniature sausage rolls. There will also be face painting, guess the number of sweets in the jar and a tombola, drawn by the local vicar.


Youssef Younis said 'These fondant fancies are amazing, I must ask for the recipe. Hooking the ducks from the pond proved a bit tenser than you might expect. But you have to remember that most of us have recently avoided drowning in the Channel. This game felt a bit on the nose.'


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst shook his head sadly. 'Suella is furious, but she’s always furious about something - she has the air of someone who has just dropped their car keys down the drain and is looking for someone else to blame. And she didn’t make any money off the Farage/Marshall Wace/NatWest grift. Unlucky!'


'These days, if any Tory is hosting a party, you have to wonder just how many laws are being broken. I recommend making sure you have a decent alibi for when you are inevitably summoned to testify at a Parliamentary enquiry.'



Learner drivers to be sent to Rwanda until they pass test


British road users will no longer find themselves seething with frustration while stuck behind a clueless driver who can't change gears. Thanks to new legislation they will be deported to Rwanda until they get a full licence to drive on British roads. 'We can guarantee they'll be treated humanely there", says a Home Office spokesman. "They'll be given free L-plates on arrival and can get driving lessons at a discount from local warlords.'


"Personally, I think it's for the best", says 38-year-old BMW driver Frank Mason. "You need to earn the right to stay in Britain, and that means being able to do a three-point turn and overtake on the cycle lane when you find yourself in a traffic jam.'


The first provisional licence holder was stopped and detained early this morning and is now awaiting deportation. Fifty-six-year-old Mavis Beckford, who has failed her test six times, was pulled over while driving up the A30 at 45mph and will be flown to Rwanda tomorrow. 'Personally, I have no time for these L-plate people with their huge sense of entitlement,' says arresting officer David Lake. 'She says she was just going up to Basingstoke to "seek a better life" - yeah, right.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/kartik27-298317/

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