Customs seize taramasalata hidden in cocaine

Customs officials have seized a consignment of illegal fishy Greek dip, smuggled into the UK to alleviate a middle-class drought.

Officials searching a yacht off the coast of Sussex today discovered Britain’s biggest haul of fifty kilos of illegal stinky pink goo, cleverly hidden inside innocent packages of high-grade cocaine weighing several tonnes.

Customs Official, Martin Smith, explained: 'We were alerted to the scarcity of the off-white, pongy mush in supermarkets, and that decent families all over the South East entertaining this weekend would be without their essential fish-egg gloop. Middle-class diners will pay a high price for this cod-traband, but not too much, because they’re notoriously tight as cramp.

'We have been relentless in the pursuit of smugglers, and we knew we’d struck gold on boarding when our sniffer dogs began retching and trying to hold their noses.

'This faux roe hitting affluent tree-lined avenues would have been culinary suicide for the supplier and social exclusion for its users, as samples analysed from the haul were found to be nothing more than anchovy purée mixed with Yakult.

'And obviously, we’re concerned about the Class A cocaine. Its ability to preserve fresh food is entirely unproven.'

Image: "Taramasalata" by katsommers is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Bernie Ecclestone fined by HMRC for pulling a fast one

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Customs officer explains why he believes the government is delaying applying import checks

Checks on imports are required to ensure goods entering a nation meet the required safety standards and any taxation due on them gets paid. Since Britain left the EU, however, no such checks have been applied and a date for implementation of import checks has been pushed back further.

Newsbiscuit asked HMRC to explain why the government appears reluctant to apply the checks and was told it's complicated.

'We have to work within the letter of the law,' explained a customs officer. 'The rules say we shouldn't allow anything rotten or harmful to enter Britain, so technically, if the government told us that checks needed to be applied, it would mean we would have to bar Tory MPs from returning from their holidays. With a bit of luck, the next government will insist we start checks asap.'