Unprovoked attack definitely provoked

When dropping bombs on another nation, it is hard to claim surprise when they reciprocate - as it is the military equivalent of hitting a hornets' nest with your peni$. Not so much a circle of violence, more like a clown punching himself in the face.

As the Middle East descends into open war, again...for the fourth time this week, one General complained: 'Their unprovoked attack follows our attack, in relation to their previous unprovoked attack, which followed on from us calling their Mum a $lag.

'There we were, minding our own business - committing war crimes - and BAM we get attacked! Why is everyone so sensitive? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go $hag your Mum. What? What did I say?!?'

Image: cagrikarip - Pixabay

FT reporting Hezbollah shares in sharp decline

The Financial Times has reported that shares in the Middle East arms to rockets conglomerate, Hezbollah Group, have dipped sharply in the past two weeks.

Company communication difficulties hurt it significantly, but the sudden loss of their C.E.O, Hassan Nasrallah, has meant confidence in the organisation is now at an all time low and it is in severe danger of collapse.

A company executive told us, 'Nasrallah’s departure was totally out of the blue. One minute I’m bringing a tray bake in for our usual Falafel Friday lunch and the next minute he’s left the building. It can’t have been easy for him as apparently he was in bits.'

The elimination process of potential successors continues.

Image: Jamie Street (@jamie452) | Unsplash Photo Community

Ambitious young Tories vie to be next leader but one

Amidst the hoopla of the Tory leadership competition, details emerged today of a secret competition going on in the background to be the next leader but one.

'Seriously, who'd want to become leader now?' said a floppy-haired young man from a public school background, who for the first time in his life wished to remain anonymous. 'Whichever poor sod wins will get rinsed at the next election and resign in disgrace. That's when the real competition starts.'

'Exactly,' said a young woman from an ethnic minority, but still the same public school background. 'Though I must admit, when I see Starmer cutting winter fuel payments to pensioners, accepting freebies from billionaires and confusing hostages with sausages, I do wonder if we might have a chance.

'Then I remember Rishi leaving D-Day early, and pretty much everything Liz Truss ever said or did, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid. No, I'll let someone else take the fall in 2029, then campaign to replace them.

'At this point, I think I'd rather be the next leader of Hezbollah than the Tories,' she quipped, prompting a furious reaction from Hezbollah denying that the two organisations were in any way alike.

Image: WixAI