Water companies warn river levels too low for dumping sewage

a low river pictured recently

Water companies have expressed alarm that low water levels will curtail the ability to pump raw excreta into fresh-water ecosystems, their primary business activity.

“How can we discharge unprocessed effluent into bodies of water with impunity, if there isn’t any water”, said a representative of the water companies, “no-one wants to see us forced into a position where we’re treating the sewage into noncontaminants like clean water and fertiliser.”

Environment Minister, George Eustice, confirmed that emergency strategies were being implemented.

“We’re getting on with the job of rolling out world-beating measures, ranging from ploughing toxic sludge into dry river-beds, through to spoon-feeding faeces directly into the mouths of floundering aquatic fauna,” he said, “we’ll do whatever it takes avoid a worst-case scenario, where people are obliged to defecate into their own garden ponds, bird baths and goldfish bowls”.

Hat-tip SteveB

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/peggychoucair-1130890/

Six ways to stay cool

There are extreme temperatures across most of the UK. A significant health risk comes from the heat inside people's homes. So how can we reduce these temperatures?

1. WALK AROUND NAKED

Alternatively, for ladies, perhaps a skimpy cotton T-shirt, preferably wet, will have a chilling effect where it matters most.

2. LEAVE THE FRIDGE AND FREEZER WIDE OPEN

You may find your bottles of Sol and your frozen peas will not be quite so cool as before, but it's all part of balancing things out. Be prepared to drink as much of the Sol as you can while it is still chilled. That will transfer the coldth (that is the opposite of warmth, right?) in to your body with the bonus effect that after several bottles you may not even be conscious of the heat.

3. CLOSE ALL THE CURTAINS AND BLINDS

Yep, the neighbours will wonder what you're up to, but stumbling around half-pissed, naked, in the dim hallway, lit only by the faint light from the fridge in the kitchen, won't be one of their guesses.

4. DON'T HAVE SEX

As if anyone would have the energy. But seriously, despite the advice in 1 above to the lovely ladies, just don't. It's all squelchy and soggy enough in a typical November, but these days you'll melt in to a little puddle of a weird mixture of your own bodily fluids if you even try to find solace in the slippery arms of your loved one.

5. MOVE TO DUBAI OR QATAR

These traditionally cooler climates will seem very attractive now. Well, apart from the no drinking. And the no nakedness. And the secret police trying to find out what's going on behind the curtains. On second thoughts, try Center Parcs.

6. BE MORE LIKE PRINCE ANDREW

He must be loving this heat, right? Sweat? No way. That man's got it all under control. We should all be like him. Well, maybe not completely like him, but you know ...

Strawberry Drink Fruit Tea Ice - Free photo on Pixabay

Due to heatwave, Cornwall changes name to Popcornwall

Due to a national heatwave, many places in the UK have been forced to climate change their names. The following is a list of new places people should be aware of who only know how to travel to destinations using satnavs in their SUVs which caused all this: Luton Flareport Heatrow Airport Melting Mowbray West Withering Brighton & Stove Southend of Days Popcornwall Bublin Fireland Northern Fireland Belfast-fried Armaghhhhhhhh Wails Charrediff Dundelighfully Gasglow Govanoven The Bake District East Anglian Sweatlands Burningham Burnmouth Smoke-on-Trent Sale-off-the-Scale Nukehassle Nukehassle-under-Slime East Rising of Yorkshire Puddings Nan-twitch Hottershaw Braisingstoke Blacknell Slough-ow-ow-ow Vestminster Sizzlington Wiltshire remains the same.

Thermometer Heatwave - Free photo on Pixabay