‘Total arse’ manifests in melted tarmac

A man claims to have seen the arse of Boris Johnson in the liquefying tar of the A630 just outside Doncaster.

‘I was just coming back from Homebase, when the road became too sticky to drive on,’ bleated spam barista Martin Reckon. ‘I got out of the car ready to take evasive action - a sadface selfie and tweet to the Daily Mail’s “Readerswank” page - when I realised the shape of the puddle in the road looked eerily familiar. It was quite a shock - shows how quickly you adjust, even after two years of having them gleefully thrust in your face on a daily basis.’

Asked how he could be certain the asphalt-art was the oleaginous buttocks of currently absent PM and permanently absenting human being Johnson, Martin chuckled: ‘They’re as recognisable to me as the sunshine, or the smile on a newly ears-pierced toddler.

‘Who hasn’t seen those magnificent arse-mammaries squeezing through a straining zipwire harness, turning smartly away from an hypothermic pensioner, or lumping enthusiastically up and down on your girlfriend when you pop back upstairs to fetch your good glasses from the bedside table?

‘It was almost as if he was bidding me a very personal farewell, I’ll treasure it forever. It’s even better than the time I thought I saw his face in the margarine; though thinking back, I’m not entirely sure that wasn’t him simply hiding in my fridge.’

Office workers enthralled as colleague tells them how hot it is for the 500th time

A group of office workers at Pointless Plastics in Wolverhampton has been hanging onto every word uttered by their colleague Susan Obvious, as she repeatedly tells them how hot it is.

Admin Assistant Jenny Crump said, 'I’m so happy that Susan keeps telling us how hot it is. She mentions it at least once every five minutes, but it’s always worth hearing again.'

Receptionist Emma Flaps added, 'It’s great that we can rely on Susan to keep us informed about how hot it is. My blouse is wringing wet with sweat and it’s sticking to my back, but if Susan hadn’t kept mentioning how hot the weather is today, I wouldn’t have understood why.'

Office manager David Drear said, 'If it wasn’t for Susan’s frequent comments about how hot it is, I would never have figured out why sweat is pouring down my face, and my glasses have started to melt. I’m so glad Susan keeps drawing my attention to the heat.'

Finance Officer John Belch said, 'Thank goodness Susan keeps letting us know how hot it is. I couldn’t understand why my arse was sweating so much that the seat of my chair looks like I’ve p*ssed myself, but whenever Susan points out the fact that it's very hot today, it all makes sense.'

Susan’s colleagues are now eagerly waiting for her to come back from her lunch break, so she can tell them how hot it is outside.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/12019-12019/

UK braced for increased levels of sweating

The UK is experiencing another heatwave, which will unfortunately cause increased levels of sweating. Here are some of the embarrassing sweat stains you will have to deal with in the next few days:

Armpit Circles - Despite applying half a can of deodorant, within 5 minutes of putting on a clean shirt dark circles will start to appear under your arms. Avoid embarrassment by keeping your arms rigidly by your sides all day, in the style of Michael Flatley when he’s about to launch into a bout of Riverdancing.

Boob Crescents – Whether you have breasts or man boobs, soaring temperatures will cause crescent shaped sweat stains to appear under them. You could fold your arms under your chest to hide the Boob Crescents, although that might risk exposing your Armpit Circles.

Arse Pool – Sweat running down your back will be channeled into the crevice between your bum cheeks, creating a pool of sweat in your pants. Avoid sitting down, otherwise when you get up you’ll leave a tell-tale sweaty arse print on the seat.

Groin V – Sweat will gather in the creases at the tops of your legs, soaking through your trousers to form a dark V-shape around your groin area. Carry a large bag and hold it in front of your groin to hide this embarrassing sweat stain, otherwise people will think you’ve p*ssed yourself again.

Try not to worry about looking sweaty in the hot weather, as everyone else will perspiring just as much as you. Apart from Prince Andrew, of course…

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/tiburi-2851152/