UK temperatures set to exceed Corfu next week - according to MSM

Get your sun block ready, the temperature in parts of the UK - not your part, obviously, it never is - are set to exceed those in Corfu next week. 

Admittedly Corfu is looking like it is in line for a sh!t week weatherwise, but the point of dramatic headlines isn't to inform, it's to encourage click bait.  So hunt out those hot links, click like there is no tomorrow (which was last week's big headline and very nearly came true) and stock up on Viagra, soft porn and those amazing chairs that lift you up to a standing position with no obvious way of supporting yourself once there.  Don't forget to use your bank card details.

Photo by George Chandrinos on Unsplash

Cat achieves 8,000 rpm after tail caught in fan

The CPS, no, the other one, the Cat Protection Society, has warned members of the public about the danger of fans following a spate of high speed circular meowing.

Head of the CPS, Keith Shawarma said, 'One owner experienced the trauma of witnessing her beloved Fluffy not only being rotated at extreme velocity, but also swaying from left to right in slow motion due to the high level functionality of the fan. She found it strangely hypnotic, and it was 20 minutes before she finally turned it up to 3.

'We recommend that during this period of extreme heat, those totally owned by felines should turn all fans off and remain sweaty. Especially those in households without enough room to swing a cat. Otherwise the purring and screeching is also accompanied by thumping noises.'

Videos posted on YouTube showing rapidly revolving pussies have been strongly criticised. 'Clearly they should be uploaded to OnlyFans.'

Image: funeyes - Pixabay

Heat wave articles must show scantily clad women, laughing in the park

As the mercury heads up, newspaper picture editors are focussing on pretty young women sunbathing and certainly not climate change seeing the world burn.

Photojournalist and pervert Warren Wright was sweating profusely because of the heat and his internalised misogyny. ‘They have to be girl-next-door types. White, obviously – got to think of that racist market. Nice tits, obviously – got to think of the pervert market. Ideally there’s a sprinkler in the background to give a hint of a wet t-shirt. And they should be laughing. But not reading. That gives the wrong impression. Also, no fat chicks and no dudes.’

Wright spied two unwitting female students and instinctively hid in a bush. His long lens was fully erect as he leered ‘Phwoar, what a scorcher. They’re 18 – probably – perfect.’

image from pixabay