Trump assigns Neil Patrick Harris Secretary for Health

As expected, Donald Trump this week made Neil Patrick Harris his Secretary for Health and Human services. In a long telegraphed appointment, Trump made good on his plan to put the award winning Broadway actor in charge of the country's fattening health. Citing Harris's extensive experience playing Doogie Howser, M.D., over four seasons from 1989 to 1993, Trump said Americans could rest assured Harris was overqualified to take on the burden of saving 325 million patients.

The then 16 year old Harris was so convincing as the prodigy teenage physician that members of the public would approach him in sneaker stores and ask his opinions of their suspicious moles and weird dry mouth symptoms. Harris became increasingly adept at spouting ad hoc diagnoses, to the point that he sounded like an actual jaded doctor. Thereafter the US public's confusion between act and reality settled into the same pattern it has in every other sphere that has led to what we are facing in 2025.

Observers believe Trump is trying to form a 'kitchen cabinet of geniuses.' He himself is an unarguably stable one; Harris/Howser, who possesses a genius intellect and photographic memory, is now at Health; Musk, the tech Leonardo, is in charge of the 1930s revival; Marilyn Vos Savant, with an IQ of 228 (look her up), will be put in charge of regulating the diet coke industry; while Simon Jordan will be tasked with frightening off the Houthis.

Bill Gates, however, is out. 'Bill was just too Epsteiny.' Gates, whose wife famously divorced him after she found out that the public had found out about his weekends on Eppy Isle, believes his chance will arise should there be a second pandemic. 'Bill's hopes rest solely on something apocalyptic emerging from China. He actually prays for it.' Meanwhile Trump is set to hire Jeff Bezos to handle the indigenous peoples threat from the Amazon.

Image: WixAI

Private Equity bosses admit they can’t run supermarkets

Private Equity insiders admit that that running supermarkets in Britain has been way tougher than they expected.  ‘The masters of the universe can usually spin straw into gold,’ said one commentator.  'But their efforts at British supermarket chains Asda and Morrisons makes them look really stupid. It’s embarrassing.’

It should have been easy. Take over a so-so supermarket chain, make a few whizzy changes, watch the valuation soar, and sell out at a massive profit.   Bosh!

But Asda and Morrisons have languished, weighed down by the piles of debt issued by the private equity owners.   The interest on those debts is massive, and means that neither chain can invest in stores, staff or supply chains.   All the masters of the universe can do is to cut costs, sack staff and amp up the marketing campaigns.

The superhero private equity geeks are being beaten hands down by people who actually have some experience in running stores.  One of those geeks sobbed to us privately. ‘It seemed like a really easy gig.  Put in a few months working 24/7 to turn things around, and then walk away with millions in bonuses.   Instead, I’ve been working 24/7 for years, and all I’ve got is a shopping card that gives me ten per cent off.  The stores are dirty, understocked, understaffed and expensive - even I don’t want to shop there.  Why didn’t I choose a deal in financial services, software or health?’

Meanwhile, all those dyed-in-the-wool, nation-of-shopkeepers types are twisting the knife, doing all the things that the private equity owned shops can’t do.  Like selling food at a competitive price in a store that shoppers actually want to visit.

image from pixabay

Single cigarette takes £1.30 off your life, say scientists

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