Devastating new side effect of Ozempic - articles about the side effects of Ozempic

The miracle weight loss pill, adopted by ordinary people as well as presenters on The View, has been credited with obliterating millions of tons of human fat since it hit the market this year. But the glories of feeling lighter for tens of thousands of people unable to afford the waiting time for gastric band surgery on the NHS have come at a cost. Side effects now include articles about the side effects.

'Every day for the last month,' reveals Spicer Kane, media analyst at Grange&Sh$w Anallipticals, there has been at least one new article about the side effects of taking Ozempic. 'This has led to an overall increase in anxiety about taking the drug and discouraged many more who would have taken it from doing so. As a result, these people are binge-eating to mask their fears.' In other words, Ozempic is causing a huge rise in obesity.

'For every weird-faced celeb in the Daily Mail boasting about being able to see their genitals for the first time, there are at least several people in Aldi stocking up on refined sugar baps. They read the articles about the side effects and reach for processed donut batter.' Side effects of taking the drug include no breakfast-induced hind shaking, dizziness at bus stops, and nearer proximity to death.

Newspapers up and down the land are taking apparent daily glee in covering Ozempic's side effects. Just yesterday, the Express reported on a man in Canterbury whose constipation caused him to yell 'shit!' during an opera, while the Mirror related the story of a woman whose kidney thought it was her heart and started drawing blood from her veins. Even the Telegraph, which for years ignored health and wellbeing stories as beneath its readership's higher interest, has a whole new section entitled, Ozempic Side Effects, with sub sections for Asia, Europe, the Americas, Ukraine, and Women.

Ozempic claim that the side effects of taking their product are being exaggerated by a food industry intent on the enfattification of mankind, 'especially Greggs.' 'If the articles do not cease', warned a company spokesperson, 'we will take steps to further research the product and decrease the number of known side effects, a result which could harm its takers' sense of the gains possible from embarking on a serious risk, thus decreasing the number of users and leading to an increase in obesity.'

Image: WixAI

Prince Harry emphasizes importance of vagus nerve therapy to NATO

The Duke of Sussex has spoken of the need for the world’s foremost military alliance to look toward alternative healing therapies as it confronts revisionist states around the world. ‘As a former member of the armed forces, I know it is all too easy for senior officers to focus on weapons training and small arms drills,’ the duke intoned. ‘Tragically, vagus nerve exercises get little attention.’

The prince, unable to attend in person because wife Meghan Markle’s schedule always takes precedence, talked movingly of how he looked up diagonally as far possible to the left, held the fixed stare for 30 seconds, then did the same looking to the right.

‘We should make it the scope of our mission at the forefront of global aggression-deterrence to understand that the vagus is actually a cranial nerve that goes all the way down into your viscera. Movement in the ribcage can break up tension there and, I believe, in parts of the world where bad actors are meddling to promote discord.’

The prince’s admonitions, however, have not been met with universal accord. One attaché, speaking on condition of anonymity, questioned whether it was a good idea to ‘discourage hypervigilance in frontline troops.’ The 40-year-old quasi-royal, whose social rank seems increasingly shady, spoke on a giant screen to leaders seated around a Kubrickesque horse shoe, well-meaningly superimposing his face into relevance.

Prince Harry addresses the NATO bigwigs at a time of increasing global tension. ‘Holding the human spine in a gentle C-shape while exerting slight downward pressure on the head with either hand reduces thoughts of impending doom,’ he declared. Although Harry has stepped back from public life in recent years, this bold advancement into geopolitics is expected to further diminish his viability as anything worth keeping.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays

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