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Jars of turmeric are feeling the pressure from people who read adverts in magazines uncritically to sort out their dodgy back, stop them going bald, help them see better in the dark and restore their libido to that of a teenager.
A jar of turmeric sighed, ‘We can make things yellow and taste a bit spicy but we’ve got no proof we can do all the other stuff and it’s embarrassing us. We don’t want to waste people’s money. There is no good evidence that we have these health benefits. We’d love to be able to say we’re a wonder cure for anything that ails you but we most probably aren’t. Admittedly it’s much, much easier to buy some pills made of us after seeing an ad in your gardening magazine than it is to see your GP and get some drugs which have been tested in clinical trials and approved for use in the NHS. We won’t do you any harm but any good we do is likely to be coincidence and wishful thinking. Enjoy our jolly bright colour and our taste though and we hope you feel better soon’.
Image from Pixabay by NirmalSarkar
https://pixabay.com/photos/turmeric-neem-cup-wallpaper-5286228/
Sandra Dodd (19) has been identified by the World Health Organisation, as the leading cause of alcohol consumption for women of child-bearing age and the one most likely to get a tattoo of a rabbit on her lady parts. It transpires that their ‘Global Alcohol Action Plan’ is just a map of Gateshead, with a big circle drawn around Sandra’s local Wetherspoon.
A WHO spokeswoman explained that the intention was not to undermine women’s rights, just Sandra’s: ‘The alcohol consumed by young women is extremely high, it’s close to 20 units a week. But if you take Sandra out of the global sample, the average drops down to 1 unit and half a dozen cheeky mocktails. Likewise, 18% of all Tyne and Wear kebabs, are eaten by Sandra over just one weekend.’
Asked why men were not being asked to make the same change to their lifestyle, the WHO said: ‘We were worried about female fertility, by contrast we can all agree that most men shouldn't breed’.
Meanwhile, Sandra resolved not to give in: ‘I’m just like Emily Pankhurst, I’m fighting the patriarchy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to wee behind this bin, before I dance topless down the street, with a traffic cone on my head, singing ‘Ni**as in Paris’.
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