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The Witch King of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul, has been condemned by Lugburz Grishnakh - leader of the Orc Federation as "Useless and not representing the interests of our members" Mr Grishnakh, representing orc and cave troll rank and file said "He has lost the confidence of the federation. The proposed increase in man-flesh allowance to seven kilos a day is nothing less than an insult"
Speaking from his office in Barad-Dur yesterday, the Mouth of Sauron asserted that "The Witch King has demonstrated time and time again his commitment to the orc force but he can't give what he doesn't have. Seven kilos of man-flesh is more than most people are getting. Don't forget Mordor has just faced the biggest crisis in unliving memory. We don't have a magic man-tree you know"
The Witch King, widely seen as a divisive, bullying, tyrant with no moral compass, no inter-personal skills and very little understanding of anything at all, responded to reporters, saying "Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss", before mounting his government-issue giant reptile type thing and flying off.
Updated: Jun 21, 2022
Universally popular man of the people, Health Secretary Matt Hancock, has walked tall and proud through streets lined with millions of grateful Brits all cheering wildly for his outstanding contribution and service to this world-beating country.
Sorry about that, I thought this was for my other job of spouting false bilge for a tabloid rag of filth.
Actually, what has happened is that the death ghost Hat Mancock has skulked away from the scene of his genocidal disgrace.
There's not much more to say about him that his appointer and boss hasn't already. Who then left him in position for over a year to really shag things up good and proper.
His greatest role model in Downing Street, Dominic Bollockhead Cummings, could only speak without hesitation, deviation or repetition on the subject of 'why Hancock is a palm penis' for just the seven hours.
Half a million nurses, though, what do they think?
Collectively and in unison they all indicated their admiration and respect with the well-chosen, thoughtful and heartfelt words, "Fuck off, Hancock."
But is there anyone left who actually does still feel positively towards the former Health Secretary, even in some small way? His oldest, closest and longest-standing friend offered these warm words:
"Matt has the look and persona of a shadowy coward who if you were to offer him a little piece of cheese, would snatch it from you, scurry away into a corner, and frantically gnaw at it from his his little clutchy claws while furtively glancing from side to side as if to say, 'No, my cheese.'
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