Journalists struggling to find metaphors for RAAC crisis

Journalists are struggling to find metaphors to sum up the government's appalling handling of the ongoing RAAC crisis.

One leader writer for The Guardian commented, 'There's just nothing to work with, the government is crumbling over this thing, slowly deteriorating and falling apart and we just can't link it to this failing school infrastructure story. They're probably all pissed at another bring a bottle party'

While another reporter observed, 'We are literally racking our brains on coming up with zingers, I mean what do we know about Reinforced Autoclaved Aerated Concrete, we're not engineers who think they're funny.'

A colleague added, 'The Prime Minister has poor support and needs replacing, surely old construction material issues can be combined with that for a catchy one liner. It's so frustrating. '

After several cups of coffee and staring at his blank screen for two hours The Editor finally said: ' I know what about this as our front page? Super-Fragile-Bad-Logistics-Sunak-is-atrocious.'

Head lice added to endangered species list

Brexit, Covid, global warming, a year of teachers' strikes and an improvement in personal hygiene have all contributed to the fall in numbers of what was once one of Britain's most popular and beloved pets: the head louse.

As of today, the humble louse has been added to the European list of endangered species and, within a decade, could be wiped out completely.

Over the last 8 years, Professor Nora Kopfenkratzer of Berlin University, has compiled analysis, based on school medical data, shampoo sales and sitting behind scruffy kids on the bus, which conclusively shows a rapid decline in nits, cooties, and dickies all across Europe.

Reasons for the decline may include: better personal hygiene regimes, not sharing combs, the demise of the bobble hat, and a tendency to aspire to more fashionable, middle-class issues, like asthma and autism. Although experts are still scratching their heads as to the real cause.

A man claiming to be Nigel Farage told Newsbiscuit, 'Yet again, we are being dictated to by the EU, and we are in severe danger of losing another British institution due to the meddling of the Eurocrats. We estimate that over 1000 nit nurses have been made redundant by the NHS over the last thirty years and replaced by "health workers" from overseas, who, no doubt, concentrate solely on foreign parasites, like mosquitoes, tsetse flies and those tiny fish that swim up your bell end.'

Nation commemorates 75 years of "NHS in crisis" headlines

.