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NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’



NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.


‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.


The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.


‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'



Man seeks restraining order against his Narrator


Dave Sanders, 34, of Stevenage, began legal proceedings today seeking a restraining order against his Narrator, saying that his life had been made intolerable by the constant banal and intrusive commentary.


Sanders said he first noticed the voice-over to his life after becoming a devotee of documentaries and reality shows, but it gradually took on a life of its own. ‘It started as an occasional voice in my head, generally making an obvious statement followed by a meaningless rhetorical question, such as: “Dave really needs a cup of tea, but will he remember where he left the teabags?”.’


After a while Dave began to feel he was being watched, and then other people started to hear the voice too. ‘I’d be like talking to my boss and the voice over would say “Dave is trying to impress the new Head of Human Resources – but did she notice him glance at her cleavage?”’


Things then took a further turn for the worse when he invaded Dave’s social life. ‘I was never that confident telling jokes,’ said Dave, ‘so I was a bit miffed when the Narrator appeared in the pub next to me and my mates saying “Dave is about to deliver the punch-line, but will he cock it up like he did last week?” The final straw was when he materialised while I was in bed with my girlfriend, saying: “Dave is ready to come now, but will he be able to hold off until Lisa is satisfied?”’


Sanders said that he was confident that his legal application will succeed, at which point a voice continued ‘…but is that confidence really justified?’


Image: Pixabay/MabelAmber



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