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Brexit, Covid, global warming, a year of teachers' strikes and an improvement in personal hygiene have all contributed to the fall in numbers of what was once one of Britain's most popular and beloved pets: the head louse.
As of today, the humble louse has been added to the European list of endangered species and, within a decade, could be wiped out completely.
Over the last 8 years, Professor Nora Kopfenkratzer of Berlin University, has compiled analysis, based on school medical data, shampoo sales and sitting behind scruffy kids on the bus, which conclusively shows a rapid decline in nits, cooties, and dickies all across Europe.
Reasons for the decline may include: better personal hygiene regimes, not sharing combs, the demise of the bobble hat, and a tendency to aspire to more fashionable, middle-class issues, like asthma and autism. Although experts are still scratching their heads as to the real cause.
A man claiming to be Nigel Farage told Newsbiscuit, 'Yet again, we are being dictated to by the EU, and we are in severe danger of losing another British institution due to the meddling of the Eurocrats. We estimate that over 1000 nit nurses have been made redundant by the NHS over the last thirty years and replaced by "health workers" from overseas, who, no doubt, concentrate solely on foreign parasites, like mosquitoes, tsetse flies and those tiny fish that swim up your bell end.'
NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.
‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.
The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.
‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'
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