70% of all independent bookshops are run by a wizard

Statistics show that the majority of owners have spell like abilities and are waiting for the 'chosen one' to accidently walk into their store. The witch/wizard will then reveal to the chosen one the prophecy and the series of magical tasks they must complete.

Said one berobed owner: 'I deliberately extend my opening hours to midnight, to allow for adventurers to visit. I'll then lurk around the occult and self-help section, only revealing myself at the creepiest moment'.

The report concludes that of these owners most look to be over 100 years old, are curmudgeonly and have eyebrows that defy all logic. All will greet visitors with the phrase 'found what you're looking for?', all have half moon spectacles and everyone will insist that any grimoire is only available in hardback, to bump up the price.

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Putin declares first phase complete as Hogwarts is surrounded

In a surprise tactical change, the Russian army has withdrawn from Ukraine and encircled Hogwarts school, claiming the liberation of a fictional location was their intent all along. 'You can shove your sanctions,' suggested a Russian spokesman, 'once we force Harry Potter to surrender then we will be all powerful.' The UK government has extended sanctions to include all J K Rowling books, but noted that as Hogwarts isn't in NATO it can't intervene, even in literature. 'We might provide a poem or two,' suggested a spokesman from the MoD.

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Book world in shock as study claims Dumbledore and Gandalf are one and the same person

The book world was rocked to its very foundations today as a new study claimed avuncular Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, and Middle Earth’s uber-wizard Gandalf, are in fact one and the same person, posing the prickly question - wouldn’t just one of them been perfectly adequate to symbolise the ultimate force for good against evil in both series of the blockbusting sagas?

The study comes following an exhaustive three-year examination of all known texts of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings.

Professor Rachel Saunders who led the project told journalists: ‘Dumbledore and Gandalf are the same person. Of that there is no doubt in my mind whatsoever. The facts are there. Both have long hair and big bushy beards. Both dress in robes, and quite crucially in the team’s view, both wear funny hats. I mean come on. Have you ever seen them together in the same room? Well exactly, there you are then.’

JRR Tolkien was unavailable for comment but sources close to Harry Potter author, JK Rowling, said that the claim as "pure and unadulterated rubbish. This is a preposterous suggestion. Dumbledore is the Headmaster of a fictional witchcraft and wizarding school, whereas everyone knows Gandalf is the lead singer of The Boomtown Rats.’

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